Yellow Stream - A Cancer Diary

Chapter 10: Consolidation Treatment

5/13/97: Free of Cancer!

My first appointment this morning was with Dr. Gullion.  He was rather pleased that the induction phase of the Shipley protocol worked so well.  He was also a little concerned about the 3 mm growth that was cut out of the surface of my bladder. He basically said that that was the nature of my bladder, and I would have to be watched. Nonetheless, we are still on the Shipley protocol and we begin chemotherapy and radiation next week. The basic protocol is the same, with chemo on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with 5FU and cis-platin, and radiation twice a day on Tuesday and Thursday. The whole process repeats itself after a week off. Then I am finished with the protocol. I plan to call Shipley today to discuss the situation with him.

My next appointment was with Leslie Davenport. My major concern in speaking with her was about the 3 mm tumor that was removed. I am still confused about how it could be there, with treatments I've had so far, but now it is removed and my bladder is free of cancer. We worked on the sadness I felt as a result of having some cancer removed, and I connected it with a desire for intimacy, especially with my wife. I apparently still need to work out some personal problems having to do with asserting myself, while maintaining a close and intimate relationship with my wife.

To celebrate my recovery, T. R. took me lunch at Insalada in San Anselmo. We had a very nice lunch, followed by a stroll by Gelato and a chat in the park. T. is very grateful for my recovery and very inspired by it.

All afternoon I felt extremely tired. I suppose it was from too much running around on Monday and Tuesday. Therefore, I've decided to try to take it easy today.

I went to the Center for Attitudinal healing last night and shared my happy news. Everyone was happy for me, and I continued to express my mission of presenting alternative methods as something to be done in conjunction with convention medical practice. I shared the T-Up information with one of the patients who seems to be reaching the point of no return. This patient has a choice for surgery for which the recovery period could be as long as the remaining of his life if he doesn't have the surgery. The poor patient really has some tough decisions to make, and perhaps I can help him.

5/14/97: A Day of Recovery

I plan to spend most of the day working in bed today, as I really felt weak yesterday. I don't have any appointment I need to rush off to, but I am going to try some stretching exercises.

I spoke with Dr. Neuwirth today and found out for sure that the little 3 mm specimen was complete removed and there is nothing to worry about. Therefore, my bladder is totally free of cancer now, and I intend to keep it that way.

5/15/97: Another Day of Healing

I went to Cancerport this morning to share my good news and everyone was thrilled. Many people came up to me and told me that they were inspired by my success. Just about everyone wanted me to speak first, and I did. Naturally, I took the opportunity to share how important it was to combine conventional medicine with alternatives, and one of the members pointed out that they were no longer considered "alternatives," but "complimentary." All in all, I enjoyed the good wishes of everyone.

Next, I had the most incredible Feldenkrais session with Gail Teehan. She had just completed a two and one half weeks of training. She worked mainly on my hips, pelvis, and shoulders, and I felt my body move in ways it never had before. Our contact in the session was extremely close and healing. I am most grateful for having these sessions with Gail. Next time, I'm also going to get a massage!

5/16/97: A Really Hot Day!

This morning, I slept until 9:00 A. M., which is very unusual for me. I needed the rest and felt all right about canceling my tennis date. Getting up so late almost made me late for Leslie Davenport's group. The hot weather kept the group quite small. When I shared about being free of cancer in my bladder, everyone was thrilled and inspired. This gave me the opportunity to express my feelings about integrative medicine, and I am beginning to think that I am preaching to the choir!

Leslie led us in a guided imagery experience that focused on qualities we would like to have in our beings. I focused on self-love, self-acceptance and joy. The experience was tremendously peaceful and I had many moments of joy. When Leslie asked us to focus on our little circle, I was reminded of the metta or loving kindness blessings that I use so often. While the other people drew pictures of their guided imagery experience, I wrote out the metta blessings for each of the cancer patients in the group. This is what I wrote:

May you be at peace!
May your heart remain open!
May you know the beauty and the radiance of your own true nature!
May you be healed!

My daughter just got elected to the council at school and we are going to celebrate her victory and my recovery tonight at the Buckeye!

5/17/97: Laure's Bat Mitzvah

This morning we went to Laure's Bat Mitzvah. Like here sister ahead of years ahead of her, the job she did was extremely excellent! I was moved by every aspect of the service. It was not a coincidence that the Bat Mitzvah was the first Shabbos after my biopsy report. This gave the rabbi the opportunity to "Bench Gomail," a blessing for those who have recovered from a serious illness. I felt moved and comfortable in being in synagogue with my family and friends.

The reception at night was at the Vainsa Winery in Sonoma County. I was an amazing setting, overlooking a 90 acre wetlands sponsored by the winery. The food and dancing were superb, and I found myself relating quite well with the people at our table and others. It was great fun!

5/18/97: A Midsummer Night's Dream

My wife and I went to see a production of the ballet, "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Our friend's daughter danced the leading role and she looked like a professional. I was very moved by the performance as a whole.

Today, however, has been as sad day for me. I woke up feeling very vulnerable and emotional. I am a little afraid of the next round of chemotherapy and radiation, but besides that, I'm sad that my energy has not returned to its normal level. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted most of the time, even though everyone tells me how good I look. Having cancer is such a drag. I really need to pull myself together. Writing helps. Mindfulness helps, but I feel some underlying sadness now that is hard to deal with. It could be that I am just doing too much since the last surgery, but I keep thinking about my disappointments in life. I know that these feelings are impermanent and that I'll feel better soon. Maybe after dinner!

All day I had been thinking about Thich Nhat Hanh and how I've used mindfulness to keep calm. At one point, I was feeling that mindfulness had kept me alive, and I started to cry. I'm planning to attend a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh in September in Santa Barbara. I explained all this to Dr. Rossman as we drove to a restaurant in Mill Valley. As we walked in, I looked over to the wall on my left and saw Reb Anderson, former abbot of Zen Center! I spoke with him briefly about my illness and about my mindfulness meditation. I had placed his name and that of the current abbot in my Wizard at the beginning of my illness, but I have never got around to calling either one! Now the word is out.

5/19/97: Conversation with the Rabbi!

This morning, Rabbi Nathan Seigel came by. We took a walk by the bay in Sausalito and talked about many things. When we arrived back at my house, we had "Jewish Penicillin" together. Then I found out that I had to have an X-Ray simulation run at 3:15. This conflicted with my oncology appointment, so I had to juggle the appointments.

The oncologist reported that my blood work was excellent and the everything was a "go" for chemotherapy tomorrow. The simulation turned out to be a simple taking of a few pictures and confirmation of the new blocks for the treatments tomorrow. The are going to irradiate a smaller area this time, and they had to verify all of the setting. The actual radiation dosage is less than before.

5/20/97: Kunta Kinte Meets the Show Princess

I began my consolidation phase of chemotherapy and radiation this morning. There were so many patients in oncology that it took until 10:00 for me to get hooked up. D. B. drove me to the oncology center and T. R. came later for a visit. T. mentioned again that his former girl friend was marrying a six foot four South African. He said that the was a meeting of Kunta Kinte with the "Snow Princess!" For the most part, I was rather tired during the chemo, but I made it through without too much discomfort.

After my early afternoon radiation treatment, I met with Dr. Halberg. She is really nice, and spent the most unhurried time with me that I had experienced with any physician on my team since Dr. Torigoe spent almost two hours with us. She was caring and patient, even though she was interrupted several times to look at X-Rays, and other short tasks. I was rather surprised by her statement that she didn't expect me to have a complete response! She remarked that my initial invasive tumor was so aggressive and so extensive that she was surprised and happy by the pathology report! She also discussed the surface tumor with us, and said that she would not be surprised if I developed further surface tumors, and that anything we could do to prevent them was a step in the right direction. I had already told my wife that when this round of chemo and radiation was completed, I wanted to do a lot of new research on how to prevent bladder tumors from growing in the first place. Francine also mention that she was familiar with the anti-biotic trials at Pan Pacific Urology, but that I probably would not be eligible.

The second pass of radiation went without incident. I continued to do my visualization of the radiation as light entering my body and encouraging immature cells and potential cancer cells to shrivel up and be eliminated through my normal elimination channels. I also visualize my body as transparent to the radiation in such a way that the X-Rays affect the immature cells and potential cancer cells and then pass through my body, as in the X-Ray transmission studies in physics. I want to chat with the radiation physicist to understand the X-Ray transmission studies in more detail, as it has been almost thirty years since I left the field of physics for computers.

5/21/97: The Second Day of Chemo

Since there is no radiation today, the second day of chemo went rather smoothly. by 11:45, I was rehydrating and all of the chemotherapy was in me. Now I just have to wait until all the saline solution flows through.

I'm a little tired today and a little bored. The files I downloaded from NGC yesterday put me no further into testing my code, as it didn't compile. I'll have to try that again today.

5/22/97: Blood Everywhere!

On this, the last day of chemo for this week, I had a small mishap. The tube from the i.v. broke free from the needle and blood started spilling all over the floor. It was rather scary, but in the end, it was quite harmless. Everything was put back with disturbing me too much, but I felt queasy the whole rest of the day.

I had two visitors at the oncology center. On was Jordy from Anna Halprin's class. She gave me an exception foot massage and we could have spent the whole day together. The other visitor was A. M., who had to walk over from her office because her car broke down. When we left the oncology center, my wife took her home in the city.

The rest of the day and the next were spent in recuperation. I'm still recovering from the third day of chemo.

5/25/97: More Down Time

I haven't written much in the past few days because I am still recovering from the last round of chemotherapy and radiation. I spend most of the days lying in bed, reading, and trying to maintain mindfulness. I feel a bit nauseous all the time. Some time I have tremendous gas pain, but most of the time, I just lie in bed and recover. It's not very exciting, but it sure beats the alternative of radical cystectomy!

5/26/97: One Memorial Day!

Today, I'm finally starting to feel better! The effects of the chemo seem less and I am in a better mood. I've been reading Timeless Healing by Dr. Herbert Benson, who is credited with discovering the "relaxation response." The book is aimed at convincing the medical profession that self-care should be an important part of healing, and that we all have "remembered wellness."  He also points out the value of spiritual beliefs in terms of how quickly and how well someone can recover.

I have devoted much of the morning to my meditation practice, "healthy... free!" I seem to be able to keep the awareness of the in breath and the out breath in the background of my consciousness, even while sleeping (sometimes), but there seems to be something going on in the foreground that escapes my awareness. I notice the impermanence of the various thoughts and emotions as the pass through the foreground of my consciousness, but I'm not sure where this is supposed to lead.

5/27/97: Finally Feeling Better

I woke up twice this morning. The first time was the to sprinkler system in the back yard beginning to water the plants. The second time was when the phone rang. Now I am up and feeling better than I have for days.

During the night, I got some answers to the questions I raised yesterday about the foreground thoughts and feelings. I started thinking about what exactly was going on and I remembered two schools of thought about it.

The first school of thought comes from the teachings of the enneagram. In this school of thought, the we function from three centers of intelligence: the physical or body center, the emotional center, and the intellectual center. These are also referred to as the belly, heart, and head center, respectively. Because we function from these three centers, we have bodily based experience impinging on our consciousness whenever we feel a slight pain or discomfort. We have an emotional experience whenever our feelings are triggered. Finally, and probably most of the time, we are bombarded through our mental center with thoughts, memories, plans, images, dreams (really another type of image), and so forth. In addition, we must note that energy follows attention. That is, wherever we place our attention, our energy will follow. If we are focused on a goal we want to accomplish, we may be able to place all of our attention on that goal.

We can actually create pretty much at will each of these experiences. For example, don't think of an elephant! What happened? You probably thought about an elephant and had an image of one in your mind. So basically, this is the contents of the mind, according to the enneagram.

The Buddhist philosophy about these matters is surprisingly similar, although it doesn't deal with three centers of intelligence. In The Art of Happiness, Myrko Fryba talks about the four levels of experience on page 88:

1. Immediate experiencing of real events, processes, and states (and the feelings and sensations associated with them) bodily taking place in the present moment.
2. The bodily experienced meaning of represented (remembered) events, relations, constellations, situations, and scenes (and the feelings and sensations associated with them) that have lead to current states of feeling and alterations of consciousness.
3. Conceptual thinking related to the flow of immediate experiencing or to the felt meaning of entire situations, which are presently happening. From this thinking are derived matrixes and programs for apprehension and action (to the extent that they are consciously accessible and thus also "thinkable").
4. Conceptual thinking whose content has no relationship to the current state of the thinker and thus which has no conscious relationship to experiential reality. This could be a kind of non-reality-related babbling that is unconsciously motivated and directed, or mechanical data processing (for example, calculation), or it could also be wise reflection on rules and programs with the help of the meta-language of Abhidhammic algebra-in other words, planning and coordinating of liberational strategies. The key point here is that this level of experience has no present bodily anchoring in reality.

1. Contemplation of the body (kayanupassana)
2. Contemplation of the feelings (vedananupassana)
3. Contemplation of consciousness (cittanupassana)
4. Contemplation of mental contents (dhammanupassana)

My wife and I went to the Center for Attitudinal Healing together tonight. I went primarily because she wanted to go and I am not sleeping well, so I thought I'd go. I was deeply moved by the experiences shared by the members of the group! I felt compassion and understanding come to the foreground of my consciousness, and I realized that my side effects from chemotherapy and radiation are pretty slight compared to what some of the people are facing. I did a short sharing of my treatment plan, Dr. Halberg's surprise statement, and a few other things, but I got more out of listening deeply to other people.

5/28/97: Tea and Pumpkin Cake

This was the first day I felt almost normal! Lucky for that, too, because I had to go to Menlo Park to complete my performance evaluation with my boss. The day in Menlo Park was quite wonderful. The results of my review were acceptable except for one slight disagreement, which we are in the process of working out. Once the review was complete, we went to lunch, as we had done so many times before. Over all, we spent about two and one-half hours of quality time together, talking about business, raising girls, martial arts, and a variety of interesting topics.

In the evening, I went to the final class of Moving Towards Health with Anna Halprin at her studio in Kentfield. I had been to her studio once before about twenty-three years ago with Gabrielle Roth, and it was even more beautiful than I remembered. The night air was cool and comfortable and the setting in the woods was quite inspiring.

After a check in, in which I shared my progress report, we did some movements on the deck. We each walked around the deck for a while to find our "spot." Mine was at the East end of the deck facing West with a view of the very top of Mt. Tamalpias. It was gorgeous in the early evening sunlight. We made the movement into a ritual by performing the movement in each direction. Then each member was asked to dance their favorite movement and we did each person's movement in each of the four cardinal directions.

Next, we took a silent walk in the wood around her three acre estate. At a certain point, she asked us to fan out and find our "tree." We then spent about one-half hour with the tree, asking it questions, feeling it's growth, and merging with "treeness." I picked a rather tall redwood, which I was willing to share with one of the other participants, but she marched off to find another tree. I embraced the tree, listened to it's growth, and tried to encircle it with my arms, but it was too big. So instead, I walked around the tree, which was no easy task, since the tree was situated at the top of a two or three foot embankment. Towards the end of the time with the tree, I leaned on the tree with my back supported by the tree. It was a comfortable position to observe the connection, and it also allowed me see other elements in the environment. When the bell rang, and everyone headed back to the deck, I waited to the end and urinated on the tree. I had asked the tree if it minded the last vestiges of my disease being sprayed on it's trunk, and the tree said that for decades all kinds of deer, rabbits, skunks, and other animals had done so and the tree felt nourished by each one. My act was a symbolic representation of cleansing the cancer and drugs from my system, as well as a way of claiming my territory in that little woods.

Back at the studio, we drew pictures of our excursion, and then danced what we drew before sharing our drawings. In the dance, Anna Halprin became my tree and supported my back while we moved together. Eventually, we encompassed the whole troop and focused our healing energies around a woman who was not fine when she arrived. It was a group hug embracing a lot of love, and it felt delightful.

My picture is shown on the left. It is called Yellow Stream, of all things! Note that all of the trees grow clearly past the top of the hillside, and all of the little leaves, branches, and other natural elements that are part of the drawing. The tree is in separate from the other non-tree elements. In fact, the tree depends on the non-tree elements for it's existence. It derives nourishment from the environment, and my contribution was minimal, if not symbolic. When I shared the meaning of my picture, everyone go hysterical. We had a good laugh for a long time.

At the conclusion of the group, Anna invited us into her house for tea and pumpkin cake. This brought the spirit of the group together and we hung out for about another hour. I found myself swinging on a hammock with two women, two of my favorites. We talked about a lot of things and when I told them that I had an alternative title for the book, Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves, one of them said rather enthusiastically, that she would by a book with that name. Then I shared my image of "healthy cells grow all by themselves," and they felt even more comfortable with the title. So here we have it! The bound version of Yellow Stream will be hereafter called, Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves! It's the official title now!

5/29/97: Who Am I?

I had a session with Leslie Davenport today. I went in with an agenda, which I promptly forgot. However, after rambling on about all the good things that were happening in my life, I finally remembered that I wanted to do a guided imagery in which all of the dead cells and unwanted drugs were cleansed from my system. The session was filled with ecstatic moments, as I saw little water falls cleanse and bring energy to my eyes and flow down to my abdomen, and breathed into various places in my body. We then did a body scan, and when we got to my bladder, she used my saying of "healthy cells grow all by themselves!" This, of course, triggered other ecstatic moments, and I channeled the wonderful energy right into my bladder. Then we went deeper into the process of going inward, and she suddenly came up with the question, "Who are you, Jerome?" I had an immediate flash of blue light come in through my belly center and could only answer, "When Bhodidharma was asked that question by King Wu, he said, 'I don't know,' and went off to meditate in a cave for nine years! So I don't know!" We back into the guided imagery and a short while later she repeated the question. This time, my answer was the same, and I really got a kick out of it as if it were the real answer to the question. I felt like I had solved the koan quit well! The session ended soon after that, and I wanted to spend some more quality time with Leslie.

Later in the evening I went my Evolutionary Circle group. I spent a good deal of time explaining my physical condition, and everyone was thrilled. Then I began speaking about my spiritual state and invited them to follow the mindfulness path that I have been taking as an exercise. Everyone was enthusiastic about doing this, and the exercise lasted about twenty minutes.

I brought everyone into the breath in the belly by having them take several deep breaths, and then bringing their focus the to rising and falling of the breath in their bellies. I instructed them to repeat to themselves mentally, "healthy" with each inhalation, and to repeat "free" with each exhalation. At this point I let them get adjusted to what was going on internally with them before dealing with other objects of the mind. I then asked the to allow a physical sensation arise in their bodies and experience just what happens to their belly practice when the get lost in the effects of the body. After bringing them back to the belly breath, I instructed them on experiencing an emotion, so that they could experience what it was like to have some feelings while they were focusing on their breath in their bellies. I explained that energy follows attention and that if the emotion was strong enough, the breath observation practice would cease and the would get caught up in their feelings. I brought them back to the belly breath and guided them through the mental objects of thoughts, memories, plans, and images in the same way I had done the feelings, each time expressing the fact that the belly practice would dissipate if the energy in the though, memory, plan, or image was strong enough to move their energy. Then I had them return the breath in the belly for a few moments of silence, just so they could experience whatever came into their consciousness.

Finally, I brought them back into the room and had everyone share their individual experiences. The experiment was a tremendous success and provided a setting for the rest of the group to check in. I told many other stories of my spiritual experiences since our last meeting, and felt tremendous love and support from the whole group. They are so happy that I am doing so well!

5/30/97: A Nothing Day!

I was supposed to have a Feldenkrais session and a massage from Gail Teehan today, but she cut her finger and was unable to work. As a result, I did nothing but fight with my wife and work today! See, I'm really quite normal! Gail and I are scheduled to have lunch tomorrow at Kitty's place.

5/31/97: Suzanne's Birthday

To compensate for cutting her finger, Gail Teehan agreed to meet me for lunch today at Kitty's Place. At least, this gave me the opportunity to tell her what was going on with me and to find out what her trip to Santa Barbara was like. After lunch, we took a nice walk in Fort Baker on Hawk Hill, where we saw magnificent views of San Francisco, the Pacific Ocean, and Rodeo Beach. I was fairly exhausted from the effort, and decided to rest for a few hours.

During my rest period, I watch two documentaries on Tibet on PBS. The plight of the Tibetans is as bad as any people in exile. I felt like spending the $500.00 to attend a reception for the Dalai Lama that I was invited to on June 10, and I still may do so. When I was in India in 1975, I visited the village of Bhod Gaya, the location of the Bo Tree where Buddha became enlightened. There was one Tibetan restaurant there, and I at there frequently. The people were so kind, even though one of the spoke very little English - just enough to all me to order. There is a special beauty about the Tibetans I've met, and along with Thich Nhat Hanh, I consider the Dalai Lama the most influential Buddhists of our day. If anyone is interested in helping out the Tibetan cause, please let me know!

When the programs were over, I decided to go to Suzanne Schmidt's birthday party, which turned out to be very special. Instead of the usual shuffling around and trying to figure who to talk to, Suzanne told us a story about her life, and two other women read pieces of their writings. I was touched by all of this, for I felt that each one of the women were more accomplished writers than I, and I had something to aspire to in my writing. I am not putting myself down, I'm recognizing the talent I saw last night.

6/1/97: J. and L. Return From Europe!

I got to play two sets of tennis at Eastwood Park! The gang was amazed that I was playing and I was playing so well. I had to rest a little during the second set, but, all in all, I did very well!

J. and L. came for lunch and we had a lovely time. Then I took my daughter to meet her friend to go to the circus and spoke to her father for a long time. We talked about my healing journey and his recent vacation. He was very happy for me and said the what I was doing was helping us all!

Later in the after noon, I received an email message from Elisabeth Frauendorfer, Ph.D. about some new research she was doing about a theory about the cause and development of disease, and experiments leading to a possible therapy/cure. If anyone is interested in what she has to say, please send her email. I am planning to forward a copy to Michael Broffman to see what he has to say.

In the evening, R. C. came over with his daughter, daughter-in-law, and grandson for dinner. The daughter is graduating Marin Horizon School with my daughter, and they are close friends. R. C. is a self made millionaire who we've been friends with since pre-school. His wife is on a two-week first-class tour of England, Prague, and Budapest for her 50th birthday. He's trying to sell his company now and feels really good about it. We spoke about a workshop he attended which called for speaking your own truth and not trying to change anyone else. The discussion was fascinating and could have gone on for hours. I'm sure we'll resume it the next time we get together.

6/2/97: No Anna, No Dance!

Today is Monday and Anna is not having class tonight. But I have to prepare for chemotherapy tomorrow morning. This involves having blood work done early this morning and a visit to Dr. Gullion at 10:00. So I arrived at Meris Labs at 9:15 A. M., and thankfully, I had my lap top with me so that I could get some work done.  I didn't get to see Dr. Gullion until 11:15!

We discussed the protocol and my blood tests. He thought that in my situation, it was a good choice and he wished more bladder cancer patients consulted him before they had a radical cystectomy, so that at least a bladder sparing protocol could be attempted. Although my white blood count was the lowest they had tracked, it does not inhibit continuing the protocol. So, tomorrow, we start again, but for the last time.

6/3/97 "There's Always Things We Can Do"

I started chemotherapy and radiation again today and it was "no piece of cake" (tomorrow is my brother's birthday!). I had to be stuck four times before the i. v. took. In addition, the oncology group seemed to ignore the request of the radiation group that I be downstairs for my first radiation treatment by 12:30. So, Dr. Gullion cleverly sped up the protocol to grant their request, and I don't know if this is good or bad, so I won't pass judgment on it right now.

I was fairly wiped out after the chemotherapy and listened to a tape of Helen Palmer. There was so much good material in the tape that I easily fell asleep two or three times! I guess I'll try to use this tape rather than sleeping pills. Some day, I'll write more about what's on the tape.

L. C. took me to the second dose of radiation. During our trip in the rush hour traffic, I was telling him about my daughter's paper, Zen Buddhism: Its Beliefs and Effects on Society, which she is presenting tomorrow night. In spite of my so-called weakness from the chemotherapy, I experienced that her opening statement,

A special transmission outside the Scriptures;
   No dependence upon words and letters;
   Direct pointing to the soul of man;
   Seeing into one's own nature.

My wife really need to go to the "Care Givers'" group at the Center for Attitudinal Healing tonight, so I went to the "Life Threatened" group. It was the best experience I ever had at the Center! I was moved so much by many of the opening statements that I felt the desire to speak first. I shared the difficulties that I was experiencing with my wife, and then the beautiful experience I had at Anna Halprin's studio last week. Then I told the group about the email I sent to the Dalai Lama, which I quote here:

Dear Your Holiness:

I have been a practicing Buddhist since 1985.  I have been invited to
the Tibet House Reception at the home of Ingrid and Reuben Hills in San
Francisco next week, but I am unable to attend because I am recovering
from bladder cancer and the requested donation is a little too steep for
me.  However, I have inspired many of my wealthier friends to donate to
Tibet House.

If I were to attend, I would ask you the following question:  I know
that Padmasambhava is known to have said, "When the iron bird flies and
horses run on wheels, the Tibetan people will be scattered like ants
across the world and the Dharma will come to the land of the Red Man!"
I want to know, first of all, how authentic is this quote?  Secondly, I
want know how he could have foreseen ALL of these developments back in
828 A. D.?

Thank you so much for your response.  If you have time, you may want to
visit my web site, "Yellow Stream" to see just how much
mindfulness meant to me on my healing journey.

I love you and adore the Tibetans I've met.  In 1975, I visited Bodh
Gaya and the Bo Tree of the Tathagata!

Thank you so much.

The other members shared so much valuable experience that I felt honored to be there. Because of the guiding principles of the Center, I feel bound not to reveal their stories except to say that one member significant other had made the above statement when news that was not so good was revealed. I offered that member and two other members who touched me deeply by their stories to do guided imagery with them if they wanted. In addition, since the Center is having financial difficulties, I felt moved to offer a workshop called, "Zen and the Art of Healing," with all proceeds going to the Center. The two facilitators I spoke with about the workshop were wonderfully supportive! At the end of the group, I passed on the healing stone I received from Anna Halprin and passed around the group at the Center to one of the participants who I felt need it more than I. The person was extremely grateful and said, "Do you mean I can keep it?"

6/4/97: The True Teaching of Zen

The second round of chemotherapy went without incident. I chose to spend the day in an examination room with a hospital bed to try to get some sleep. I also broke may lap top and have to send it to Nasuah, NH to be repaired. The tapes I brought to listen to were quite suitable for my purpose of getting some rest.

In the evening, I barely made it to my daughters' presentations on the culture of Japan. My twelve year old demonstrated the making of Sushi and prepared an exhibit of other Japanese foods. My fourteen year old gave a speech on Zen Buddhism: Its Beliefs and Effects on Society. I was so proud of both girls, but I had to leave early to get in bed.

6/5/97: The Last Day of Treatment!

Today, I complete the Shipley bladder sparing protocol. Once again, I choose to spend the day resting in the examination room. It was uneventful, except for the lovely visit of A. M. Now it's time to get in bed again until my final radiation treatment at 5:00 P.M. Then it's time to celebrate, but I won't do so until I recover from the chemotherapy and radiation. When I completed that last radiation treatment, I received a diploma for a job well done signed by all of the staff, but not the doctors.

I gave Dr. Gullion and Dr. Halberg copies of Yellow Stream and asked for their comments about the protocol and my response to it. If their writings are not too delayed and contain some valuable information, I'd like to include them as an appendix to Yellow Stream.