Yellow Stream - A Cancer Diary

Chapter 11: Riding the Bull Home

6/6/97: The 10 Bulls of Zen

After the ordeal I had this week, I finally feel that the disease in under control, even though I don't have all of my energy back. The situation reminded me of the Ten Bulls of Zen, by Kakuan, transcribed by Nyogen Senzaki and Paul Reps, illustrated by Tomikichiro Tokuriki, HTML version by Jamie Andrews.

In these pictures, the bulls represent the eternal principle of life, that is, truth in action. Each bull represents a step in the direct experience and realization of one's true nature. Riding the bull home, or "coming home on the Ox's back" was traditionally the sixth bull of Zen. This is what Hakuan had to say in D. T. Suzuki's, Manual of Zen Buddhism (Grove Press, New York, 1960, page 132):

The struggle is over; the man is no more concerned with gain and loss. He hums a rustic tune of the woodman, he sings simple songs of the village boy. Saddling himself on the ox's back, his eyes are fixed on things not of the earth, earthy. Even if he is called, he will not turn his head; however enticed he will no more be kept back.

Riding on the animal, he leisurely wends his way home;
Enveloped in the evening mist, how tunefully the flute vanishes away!
Singing a ditty, beating time, his heart is filled with a joy indescribable!
That he is now one of those who know, need it be told?

Although the web site will continue to grow, this will be the second to last chapter in the book, Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves, as I will submit Yellow Stream for publication  as of Father's Day, June 15. I feel that this is an important time for me to release the book because my children should be quite secure that the worst part of my disease has been conquered by then, and it is a good day to celebrate! The book will conclude with a chapter that summarizes and prioritizes my healing process, and should be very interesting.

6/9/97: One Bite at a Time, One Step at a Time

The last few days have been really rough on me. The chemotherapy and radiation are really taking their toll on me in a big way. I haven't even been able to compute these last few days!

I've had bladder spasms, diarrhea, and gas pains on three successive days, accompanied with tremendous exhaustion. I spend most of my days lying in bed and practicing mindfulness of breathing. I have read a little, listened to a few tapes, and watched the French Open, but most of  I just lie in bed. Breathing in, "healthy cells grow all by themselves." Breathing out, "I'm free of cancer!"

When it comes to eating and moving, I find that I can only eat one bite at a time! When I walk, I can only take one step at a time. Of course, this is normal behavior, but in my present physical state, there seems to be an awareness at a different level of each bite, of each step.

6/10/97: Another Step

Today was a little better than yesterday and the day before, but I didn't feel well enough to go to the Center for Attitudinal Healing, as my wife did. I worked part of the day, and sent a manuscript of Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves. I think this effort was a little too much for me, so I spent the rest of the day in bed, mostly following my breathing, but I did listen to the tape of my session with Leslie Davenport from May 29 again. I still don't know who a am or where I am going! I know that I want to spread the word about self-healing and remembered wellness as far as possible. If that's what I'm supposed to do, so be it!

I continue my mindfulness meditation as often as possible, coupled with frequent imagery sessions about healing my bladder. I've stated to re-read The Heart of Buddhist Meditation by Nyanaponika Thera to support my mindfulness practice. I highly recommend it!

6/11/97: My First Outing

Today I was feeling well enough to have lunch at Kitty's Place with my wife and J. C. We had a lovely lunch, and I felt good to be out. I then got a hair cut for my daughter's graduation on Friday. Now I'm ready for another rest! This has been a really difficult time for me, but I try to keep it together with mindfulness meditation and "mind stories."

6/12/97: "Let My Heart Fly Open, Let Me Come To You"

I was speaking with Joe, one of the facilitators of the Life Threatened group at the Center for Attitudinal healing the day before yesterday to find out what went on in the group. There was one person who wasn't given much of a chance of returning, and yet she did. I had been thinking about her the whole time I've been recovering from the treatment, and couldn't wait to talk to Joe about the person. As we were speaking, Joe told me the story of his illness and work with the Center, which I can't repeat here, except to say that he had had an experience of moving out of himself to the other.

Helen Palmer speaks about a similar experience. Our first line of work in the enneagram is to know ourselves. This we do through self-observation practice which corresponds quite closely with mindfulness meditation that I often write about. In fact, the self-observation practice that Helen teaches is to pay full attention to the breath in the belly, following the inhalation, the pause, the exhalation, and the return. This is the full cycle of the breath in the belly. As bodily sensations, feelings, thoughts, plans, memories, and fantasies enter into the mind, the are swiftly moved away, like a fallen leaf drifts slowly down by the effect of the wind. She teaches that when one becomes still in this way, one begins to get feelings that come before you know what you will feel, and that these feelings can be of the other. This process leads to the second line of work, which is to know the other as they know themselves.

When I spoke about similar matters with Leslie Davenport at our last session on May 29, I asked her what she thought was going on with me. She said, that in Sufi terms, she felt the I was changing "macoms," which she described as "place." I had heard about macoms at the First International Enneagram Conference three years ago, but I still don't know much about them. She had said that one man's macom is another man's ecstasy. Apparently, as one moves from macom to macom, one becomes closer to the divine. My interpretation is that I am experiencing a great opening of  my heart, which probably began in the spring and was furthered by my experience at Anna Halprin's studio on May 28.

The above quote is from a Sufi song that cries out for the presence of the divine. From this sparse information, I gathered that Leslie thought that I was moving into a new state. In this state, I personally feel a transformation from thinking mostly about myself to thinking about others. I've always thought a lot about my children and my spouse, but now I am thinking about other people a lot, especially the ones in my support groups.

So, today, when I had a massage, followed by a Feldenkrais session with Gail Teehan, I could only think of this song. Her loving hands seemed to strip the chemotherapy of its grip on my healthy cells and, as she massaged my feet, I felt the unwanted cells leaving my body through my shoulders. Her work on my lower back, shoulders and abdomen was the best massage I've ever had in those particular areas. I felt so cleansed by the whole massage that I began to cry when I sat up to change over to the Feldenkrais lesson. My heart was singing, "Let my heart fly open, let me come to you!" I had never cried before after a massage, and I had never felt so touched by the divine. I'll never forget those feelings. It was like yearning for the divine and receiving grace. Throughout out my whole emotional experience, Gail was there with me with her loving presence and guided me to a safe space for us to continue with the Feldenkrais work.

The Feldenkrais lesson was shortened, due to the length of the massage, but it was excellent. She worked on my shoulders and my spine, and I really felt great! Then I gave Gail a shortened version of a Zero Balancing treatment, which I think she enjoyed. Nonetheless, it's up to her to write about it!

6/13/97: "Let My Heart Fly Open, Let Me Come To You"

The original title for today was, "Graduation Day," but after the events of the day, you'll see why I chose the same title as yesterday. It was another day of tremendous heart opening! Blessed be!

Twelve years ago, when my oldest daughter (R.) was almost two and one-half, and my youngest daughter (J.) was ten months old, I attended, almost reluctantly, the moving on and graduation ceremonies for Marin Horizon School. R. was just a toddler, and J. and infant, but my wife (G.) insisted that we go to the graduation "to support the school." So I put on my tie and sat in an uncomfortable folding chair for almost two hours. But something remarkable happened at the graduation. The graduating eighth graders each delivered a speech of gratitude and thanksgiving to their teachers, friends, and family. Each teenager expressed a feeling of confidence and spoke of their individual experiences attending the school. Each talk was so well organized and so moving that you thought you were listening to a high school valedictorian address. I'm telling you, I was truly impressed and amazed. I sat there and decided then and there that I wanted my children to grow up with such confidence, such a sense of individuality, such as sense of self-esteem, and such a love for learning that I was willing to sacrifice financially whatever it took to see them deliver their graduation addresses.

Well, today my dream came true! R. delivered the most emotional and moving speech I had ever heard! She spoke about individuality:

"As President John Quincy Adams once said,  Individual liberty is individual power, and as the power of a community is a mass compound of individual power.  And this is the true power of Marin Horizon School.  I have experienced this for more than twelve years.  Tenacious, patient, and understanding, these are the characteristics that Marin Horizon has helped me become.  There are many great qualities of Marin Horizon, but the one that stands out the most is how each student is considered and individual."

Then she thanked her sister, and people wept more! You can not imagine the love these two siblings have for each other. They have always been close, from the very beginning, and I feel that the way we brought J. into the family had a lot to do with it. When R. was still very young, we would speak to her about another child coming into the family soon, and that she would be loved even more because of her new sibling. The girls have always been close.

Next she thanked her mom for all the love and support, and this is what she had to say about me:

"Last, but not least, my father, you have always been there for me even if you were going through rough times. You are so loving. You are the best father. I love you so much!"

After the ceremony, the kids went off on their own separate ways and G. and I went to celebrate with the parents of three of her best friends, as we have done for many years at the Buckeye Restaurant. We had such a joyous time! I ate the wrong things and drank too many sips of champagne, but it was worth it! When I had to leave early, each person stood up, hugged me, and kissed me and told me how much they loved me, and told me what a wonderful job I did in raising my children. I was so touch that I cried all the way home and continued to cry until G. came home. I am still having spontaneous fits of crying, as I write today's entry.

6/14/97: How Much Love Does It Take?

Today I went to a benefit concert of classical music for my friend J. W., a long-time friend and member of my small enneagram group. She is also living with cancer, and the Diamond Heart group she belongs to sponsored the concert. The concert raised more than $1,400 to help J. pay for her medical expenses. She's a great lady and deserves all the help she can get. There were more than fifty people there and I thought to myself, "How much love does it take to heal from cancer and get on with your life? How much love does it take to make you realize that you need to love yourself first, and then you can share it with other?" J. certainly was surrounded by people who loved her, and she was radiant!

I sat with D. K., another member of my eneagram group, and his wife. All three were so supportive of my situation, and when I had to lie down for the second half of the concert, D. was rubbing my feet!

6/15/97: Father's Day

Today is the last installment of Yellow Stream for the book, Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves. I think it is appropriate to end the paper version here for several reasons. First of all, I'm finally on my way to recovery from the last effects of the chemotherapy and the radiation. Secondly, the book is dedicated to my children and my spouse, and what better time to end than on Father's Day? Thirdly, I want to share with you some of the secrets that I have learned in raising happy and independent children over the last twenty-eight years. While I still have young ones in the house (R. is fourteen and J. is twelve), my son is twent-eight, and living a happy and independent life. And finally, I feel that my greatest accomplishment in life so far has been being a "dad" and raising such fine children. If other children were raised with the values and love that I have given to my children, things would be a lot better in the world.

So, what are my ideas about raising children? Well, one of the first things to think about is that

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows my go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

I also value instillling upon my children the importance of developing a love for learning, and, as a result, have invested my hard-earned money on private education for all three of them. My son went to Mt. Tam Primary School, and the Branson School, each fine independent schools in their own right, before graduating from Stanford University. R. and J. have been in Marin Horizon school since they were about two years old! This school is based on Montessori methods, and fosters individuality, along with a respect for all life forms and other people's property. I love the education my daughters have received, and I feel that they are prepared for any eventuality.

Another area of parental concern is that of control, partly for the safety of the child, and partly for setting limits. In this area, I have always remembered what Shunryu Suzuki-roshi had to say about control in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind (Waterhill, New York, 1970, p 32):

"...Even though you try to put some people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in its wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people; first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good; that is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them."

Among the other values I try to instill in my children is the ability to make decisions for themselves. To do this, I taught them a reliable subjective basis for making moral and ethical decisions based on clear comprehension of the alternatives. Included in this reliable subjective basis was a love and respect for all life forms and respect for other people's property, as mentioned before. As an example, when my son was eleven or twelve, he excelled in two activities that both made us proud. He was an excellent gymnist and a talented member of the San Francisco Boys Chorus. The gym was in San Rafael, and the Boys Chorus was in San Francisco, both more that ten miles in opposite directions. We sat down with him when we realized that these activities were not only stressing us out, but causing him some concern. After weighing all sides of the issues, he decided to stay with the Boys Chorus. This was a momentous decision for him, as it led him into a direction of the peforming arts. For example, at the Branson school, he played Biff in West Side Story, El Gayo in The Fantastics, and was on of the founding members of the Barber Shop Quartet. At Stanford University, while he minored in music, he was a member of the Stanford Fleet Street Singers, and director for two of his four years there. Since his graduation he has major parts in Iolanthe, La Boheme, and Naughty Marietta. He plans to move to New York in August to try to make it into the big time, all the while mainting his skill as a computer graphic designer. You can see some of his work by browsing to his web site, and remember the he is a cancer survivor!

Well, enough of my ideas for raising children for now! What about the events and feelings of the day?

We were invited to lunch at Mikayla's by our friend J. and R., who own the place. J.'s sister was also there with her family. She and R. both studied with Anna Halprin, so we had many interesting conversations about various topics. Besides that, the food was magnificant and we had a difficult time leaving.

My son came back to the house and we spoke for hours. It was during this time that he revealed to me his plan to give New York a try. I was totally supportive, for I believe that he is still young enought to give it his all, and he always has the fall-back position of doing computer graphics. What impact this will have on his almost seven year relationship with his girl friend, I don't know and won't even try to predict.