Yellow Stream - A Cancer Diary

Chapter 12: Where Do We Go From Here?

6/16/97: The Major Factor is Mindfulness

This morning, I went to a Feldenkrais class taught by Joanne at D. B.'s house. I've been there before, and always enjoyed it. Today was special because the lesson involved the knees and hips, which have been a problem for me over the past few years. Gail Teehan treated me to lunch and we walked a little in Belvedere Park. I almost had my strength back.

The rest of the day I spent working on some new problems in the Sniffer. When will they ever end?

I was beginning to wonder, "Where do we go from here?" The treatments are done, but I am aware that surface tumors can recur under normal circumstances. My job is to continue to keep my circumstances on a higher plane. I have to keep on taking my supplements, continue with support groups, guided imagery, exercise, and body work. I should be back playing tennis by the end of the week! Nonetheless, the major factor is still mindfulness!

6/17/97: The Tail of the Kite

Today was one of those days that started out being very stressful, as I was under pressure to solve a bug and chauffeur my kid around, and it also ended with a lot of stress as a result of negative thoughts that entered my mind after attending the Center for Attitudinal Healing.

After delivering my daughter to the shopping center with her friend, I went for another healing massage with Gail Teehan. She worked quite diligently on my shoulders and abdomen, and remarked that the effects of the chemo seemed much less. I also felt a strong healing coming into my body as she massaged my abdomen in a tender and loving way. This was the first time I had a massage at her house and we sat down for sushi afterwards. So I was feeling pretty good when I left her.

From there, I went to a session with Leslie Davenport. As I brought her up to date with all the wonderful experiences I've been having since our last session, I began to cry again, as the full extent of the emotional impact of the events hit me again. We talked at length about the opening of my heart chakra. During the guided imagery, she was trying to ground the energy so that my heart would stay open. While I was there, it seemed to work, but when I got home, I really experienced the fear of being hurt when I was so vulnerable. I spoke with her later on the phone and expressed my fears. To this, she once again emphasized the importance of grounding the energy rather than closing off.

All of these experiences led me to go the Center for Attitudinal Healing, even though my wife was taking the night off. At the Center, I shared the heart-warming events since last Thursday, and felt good about being open again. But then someone shared some experiences that made me start to think again, and I became lost in the fear. I began to doubt my love for myself, as I had most of my life. I felt like I was about to loose it and then the session was over and I could retreat into myself. I tried to explain what was going on to my wife, but wasn't able to compete with the TV.

So what started out stressful due to performance and duty wound up stressful due to fear and doubt. All of these characteristics can be explained through knowledge of my point on the enneagram. Point six, as I've mentioned before is the position of the doubter, and fear is the passion. It looks like I've allowed my old personality to rear up again in the face of stress. And then I wonder, how can I alter my path of recovery so I don't wind up in the same place I was when the cancer struck. If I do, there will be no real healing, as I must heal my aching heart.

6/18/97: Eating Soup with a Fork

Today was probably the worst day that I've had since I received my diagnosis. I was full of emotion and frequently broke down crying. The morning was especially trying, as I was desperately trying to get in to see Leslie Davenport, having told my boss that I wouldn't make it in today. The best she could offer was 6:00 tomorrow evening, so I jumped on it.

The doubt factor was the strongest. I doubted myself. I doubted my recovery. I was consumed by the idea that if things didn't change in my life, I would have more trouble as a person who had had cancer than a person that has cancer and knows it. I was extremely afraid of be hurt and abandoned. Now that I am well, are my friends still going to care about me? Will I be able to continue to create my dream? Will my heart remain open? Or, is it already out to lunch? What about the divine love I was feeling last week? What about the love my daughter expressed for me last Friday? How can all of this be simultaneously true in my experience.

Well, here I am, eating soup with a fork! You'll have to read It's Easier Than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein to get the full impact of what I'm doing! The book is about the Buddhist way to happiness, and I spent the afternoon reading the whole thing, in between fits of tears and meditation. One of the main ideas that struck me from the book was that, "Traditional Buddhist texts teach that the ability to sustain attention in the truth of the moment is the antidote for doubt." Many of her stories also moved me to tears. One of the bells of mindfulness that happened during my meditation was as call from a member of Anna Halprin's group who offered to give me a massage tomorrow after talk at Voices of Healing.

I guess I'm doing a little better now that I'm eating my soup with a fork and writing in Yellow Stream!

6/19/97: Voices of Healing

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better than yesterday. I had spent much of the night doing mind stories and metta meditation. The metta meditation is a loving kindness meditation from the Buddhist tradition. I've adopted mine from several sources and it goes like this:  First you shower yourself with loving kindness by saying to yourself with feeling:

May I be at peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I know the beauty and the radiance of my own Buddha-nature.
May I be healed.
May I be happy, truly happy!
May I not cause anyone to suffer.

In the afternoon, I went to a meeting of Voices of Healing in Mill Valley. It turned out to be a support group much like the life threatened group at the Center for Attitudinal Healing. I was touched by people's healing stories.

After the meeting, I received a massage from Pauline from Anna Halprin's group, and I've added her name to the resources list. Pauline is also living with cancer and continues to study with Gabrielle Roth. She was gentle and prayerful as she gave me an Eselan massage. The massage was excellent, and the mood was enhanced by the Tibetan music in the background.

From there I went to a session with Leslie Davenport. I needed to see her again this week because I felt in crisis with the thought of resuming my life as it was prior to the cancer. I felt and still feel that if I allow those conditions to be re-established, I'd be really susceptible to a recurrence of my disease, and this made me panic. There were other issues that came up, especially how much love if flowing into my life from many sources, but I was in the middle of a severe doubt attack.

6/20/97: A Scare in the Night

In the middle of the night last night I woke up from a dream and I was lying on my left side. I noticed a somewhat painful feeling in my left thigh half way between my hip and my knee. When I felt around, I noticed a lump, and was panicked immediately. I felt for sure I had a metastasis in my leg. After feeling sorry for myself for a few minutes, I collected myself, returned to mindfulness and thought rationally about it. I hadn't read that bladder cancer metastasizes to the soft tissue, but I was still worried. I called the hospital to leave a message for Dr. Halberg. I hardly slept the rest of the night.

In the morning, Dr. Halberg's office called to say that she was off for the day, but they moved my follow-up appointment from July 2 up to June 24, so I'll see her on Tuesday. In the meantime, my friend, Dr. Marty Rossman called about another matter and offered to look at the lump. I went to his office and he confirmed what I now suspected with a lipoma - a fatty tissue that is no threat to anything. I've had a rather large lipoma on my back for as long as I can remember, and I don't have a clue where it came from.

I was a basket case for the rest of the day! I couldn't work, and I could barely function. I had to take care of one of my daughters, and we met a few friends for lunch at Kitty's Place. This was the nicest part of my day.

06/21/97: Separate Cars, Separate Rows

This was one of the first days that I didn't think much about the cancer. I worked in the morning and early afternoon to catch up on some coding that I haven't been able to do because of feeling so bad. I also had lunch with the girls and made two copies of the graduation tape. Then I did a mind story and took a long bath. By the time I was done with these activities, I was ready for a night out on the town. We took our kids to the R. and J.'s house where we met M. and M. R. and their kids. All the kids stayed together and we went out for pizza and a movie. The men drove in one car and the ladies in another. We even sat in separate rows in the movie. We saw, "Ulee's Gold."

6/22/97: Another No-Cancer Day!

Today was another day that you wouldn't think I had cancer unless you asked! I spent the morning scanning images from the graduation and Father's day last week. In the afternoon, we went to visit friends in San Mateo, and we took a walk that was the longest walk I've been able to manage since completing the chemotherapy. I didn't think too much about my disease until I arrived home exhausted. Then I felt it in spades and choose to listen to Thich Nhat Hanh.

6/23/97: No Pot stickers for my Chop Sticks

Today I'm back to healing. I went to see Gail Teehan this morning and spent about an hour teaching her how to do a mind story. Then I thought I was scheduled in for a Feldenkrais Functional Integration lesson, but it turned out to be an hour and a half massage, and was it wonderful. It took me a little by surprise to have the massage, but she did such a good job, I didn't mind! I remember crying several times, as she was working on my shoulders, and she said that she felt that all of the poisons are out of my system at last. We then had lunch together in the shopping center at a Chinese restaurant.

Next, I went to see Leslie Davenport. While I was waiting to see her, I managed to get a little work done. The session with her was so fine! I seem to come out of there with profound insights and a lot of wisdom. She really validated my use of mindfulness in my healing process. I am really fortunate to have three such remarkable healers in my life who I love very much. Of course I'm referring to Gail, Leslie, and Anna Halprin, who is getting a life-time achievement award for choreography at Duke University as I write. I'm grateful for my physicians, Drs. Neuwirth, Gullion, and Halberg, and I feel that they were wonderful technicians who implemented a protocol that I found in my own research. But I really feel that a lot of my physical healing and all of my mental and emotional healing  has come through the hands of Gail, Leslie, and Anna.

6/24/97: Moxibustion

Today was another day of healing. I spent the morning working, but then went to see Marty Rossman at 1:15 for acupuncture and Dr. Halberg at 3:00 for a follow-up visit. The emotional impact of the acupuncture treatment was unsuspected. I have had acupuncture before, but today I really felt the presence of someone who I know loves me as well. He worked on the kidney meridian with needles for just a short time and then he applied moxibustion to the same meridians. Moxibustion is "the burning on the skin of the herb moxa." In these days, they have sticky ends that you place on the meridians. Marty gave me a week's supply so that I could apply the moxibustion to myself in between visits.

We had to wait an hour to see Dr. Halberg, but it was not so bad except for the fact that I had to reschedule my eye exam. She was her kind, caring self, in spite of being an hour behind schedule. I felt that she really paid attention to my physical and emotional needs, as I try to understand the effect healing on my life. She didn't think anything of the lump I discovered last Friday, and said that it should be watched. She outlined my program for continued treatment, which consists of a chest X-Ray, complete blood count and blood chemistry, and cystoscopy every three months for the first year, every four months for the second year and every six months for the third through sixth year. I feel comfortable with this schedule, and the first thing I have to do is get the X-Ray, probably Thursday.

In the evening, my wife and I attended our respective groups at the Center for Attitudinal Healing. I was very touched by the stories people told, and I guess that's why I keep coming back. I spoke mostly about how much love was coming into my life and how much difficulty my wife is having with being my primary care taker. The latter idea was picked up by some of the other members of the group. I really felt a lot of compassion for care givers. Remember, I was in that role when my son was sick 21 years ago!

6/25/97: Hi Ho, Hi Ho...

Today I went to work in Menlo Park. Many people expressed how glad they were to see me, and I felt very supported. Now I am going to start work on the next generation project and try to contribute as much as I can.

When I got home, I tried out the moxibustion on myself. It seemed to have some effect, but I was too exhausted from setting up the environment and the long time in the car to go to and from work.

6/26/97: What's All This Chemotion About?

This morning I went for a chest X-Ray, but I won't know the results until tomorrow. I'm a little concerned, but not nearly as much as I am about my emotional state. It keeps rising and falling, just like my breath in the belly!

Cancerport was a bit disappointing this morning. I thought I would be able to share more of the emotional content of my life, but there were so many people there that I didn't feel comfortable letting it all hang out. Many people complained of care that was not so good and one person said that she had to take charge herself. I realized that she was right and that this was what I had been doing and need to keep doing.

Chemotion is a term I just created. It refers to the emotional ups and downs that have been occurring in me over the past three weeks, since the completion of my chemotherapy. I like the word, and I'm going to continue to use it. I went to speak with D. S. about chemotion. She has been living with ovarian cancer since 1991, and has been sending my get-well cards almost weekly. She is a person with a high level of self-esteem and a strong will to live. She shared with me her similar experiences with swinging emotions, and I felt quite comforted.

6/27/97: Master Ma

This morning, I had my eyes examined because I broke my frames. I found out that the insurance plan only pays for frames every other year, so I would only be covered for the exam and lenses. I opted to take the frames to the place I bought them, since my prescription hardly changed. They sold me a new frame at a replacement price (basically half of retail) and put the lenses in right on the spot!

After the exam, I went to Marin General Hospital for a Qi Gong lesson with Master Ma. He is Chinese and has been in this country only seven years. Even though his english was broken, I was able to understand what he said. He taught us the basic posture and the basic energy movement exercise. These were fairly simple and somewhat close to what my friend had taught me. Then he had us sit down and do an energy channeling exercise through our lung tips visualizing white light coming through our thumb and small finger joined together and placed over the opposite lung tip. Thus our arms were crossed, our backs straight and knees shoulder distance apart.

One of my neighbors died yesterday of metastatic prostate cancer. Although I didn't know the man at all, his wife was always kind. I really felt sad about his death and for the children he left behind.

6/28/97: Spectacular Fireworks!

I played one set of doubles the morning, and it felt like I had played for three hours after the first time I served. I'm definitely not back to normal, but can you imagine the joy I felt, just hitting the ball after such a long time?

Someone gave Marty Rossman tickets to the A's game, so we took the girls to the Oakland Coliseum to see the A's loose 2-0 on two homers by the same guy. The game was followed by the best fireworks display I'd ever seen! It was so much fun! I felt fine, even though I did play tennis in the morning.

6/29/97: Naughty Marietta

My son had a leading role in Victor Herbert's Naughty Marietta in the San Jose Lyric Theater production today at the Montgomery Theatre in downtown San Jose. He played the part of the villain, Etienne Grandet. His performance was marvelous. His voice was the clearest and most understandable of any of the leading singers. Especially because he is a very nice person, he was a convincing villain.

6/30/97: Anna's Back!

I phoned the radiation oncology department to find out the results of my X-Ray from last Thursday. The person who answered the phone said that the results were wonderful! I had her repeat the statement three times just to be sure I got it!

I went to Gail Teehan's Feldenkrais class in Tiburon this morning and then followed her to her office for a Functional Integration lesson. The class consisted of standing and kneeling lessons that served to loosen up my neck and shoulders. It was more strenuous than any of the previous lessons because we were standing most of the time. The FI session was wonderful! Her healing hands and gentle manipulations of my body made me fully relaxed.

In the evening, I went to Anna's class. She shared her experience at the American Dance Festival, and I was exceedingly happy for her triumph! She sparkled with light as she talked about the performances that she led, and she said that the response was phenomenal!

In the class, we did movements that were so similar to the Feldenkrais lesson that it made me realize the beauty of both techniques. Anna incorporated some movements that were familiar to me from doing the "Strengthening Your Immune System Through Mind and Movement" exercises described elsewhere. As tired as I was from a full day of activities, I found the movements we did very invigorating and energy producing. Towards the end of the movement segment, Anna had us develop the theme of gathering, lifting, and sending away. Many of the participants drew pictures of their experience of gathering, lifting, and sending away. My drawing was of the goblet that I had visualized in a guided imagery session with Leslie Davenport. It represents my heart overflowing with love and vital energy. The inverted triangle represents a tap into the universal source of infinite love and vitality.

7/1/97: Another Busy Day

I began my day by trying to solve a problem at work, and I've been at it almost all day, except for my consultation with Michael Broffman and my acupuncture session with Marty Rossman.

The meeting with Michael Broffman produced some unexpected results.  In the first place, what my wife has been saying about my diet is true. Michael told me to eat a low fat, high fiber diet, which eliminates many of my favorite foods, such as prawns and muscles. He is going to provide me with details about what I should avoid and what I should eat. Secondly, I had the startling realization that I'm not through with my disease. I still have a long way to go and the test procedures are not fun! I felt depressed from these two realizations, and I have been having difficulty dealing with them.

Since my wife took my appointment with Leslie Davenport, I took the opportunity to take a walk in the Cascade region of Mill Valley. The path leads to a waterfall, which is very nice, even now that it is not gushing with water. I spent about forty-five minutes there, practicing mindfulness and listening to the sound of the waterfall.

During my acupuncture treatment, I felt a burst of energy, and this gave me enough energy to continue working on the bug I'm trying to fix. Now I'm exhausted, but I continue to push on.

In the evening, my wife and I went to the Center for Attitudinal Healing for our respective groups. I spoke about my diet changes and feelings about not being finished with my disease. I also spoke about my wife's difficulties. The group was really supportive in a unusual way this evening.

7/2/97: An Incredible Transformation

Even though I felt better after the group last night, I woke up feeling terrible again. The feelings were mostly about diet and that I still had a long way to got with my illness. I was turned into myself when I showed up for a massage with Gail Teehan. For me, this woman is the most remarkable healer. After about thirty minutes, I felt my heart starting to open again, and the pain and suffering over diet and disease seemed to lessen to such an extent that I was finally present again. I could, once again, bring my awareness to my breathing and re-establish mindfulness. It was one of the most remarkable transformations I've made in my whole healing process! I left her office feeling really great.

This was topped off by a extremely exciting session with Leslie Davenport. I spoke about the diet and disease feelings a little, but they had lost their sting. I began to focus on getting guidance on how to develop the workshop on "Zen and the ART of healing" with Gail Teehan. I began to see old images from the seventies coming back this time with a specific goal in mind, and in the end, Leslie invited Gail and I to practice teach in her Wednesday class on July 26!

7/3/97: Hakone Gardens

After spending many hours on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday on fixing the bug I'm working on, I felt a need for some time away from the computer. My sister in Redwood City agreed to take the kids today, so my wife and I spent time in Los Gatos, Saratoga, and especially Hakone Gardens. The weather was extremely hot in that part of the Bay Area and it really zapped my energy. We wound up visiting our friends in San Mateo and staying there until my sister brought the kids.

7/6/97: The Long Weekend!

I haven't written much about the long weekend, because not much is happening. I spent most of the fourth just hanging out. On the fifth, we took my daughter to visit a friend in Alameda and then visited my cousins in Berkeley. By three o'clock, I was exhausted and we came home. Today, I felt a little better and got out for a morning walk and a little tennis in the afternoon. I came home exhausted, but not as bad as yesterday. Now I'm catching up on some work.

7/7/97: Moon Set Over Corte Madera Creek

I was invited to play tennis with some of my favorite players this morning, but by ten o'clock, one person did not show up and the other person left without checking out the situation. I was rallying with the fourth person and someone he had found to hit with until the whole group was there. But just rallying like that is still to strenuous for me, and so I decided to attend the Feldenkrais class in Tiburon. This turned out to be a good choice because my back and knees were starting to hurt and the Feldenkrais lesson help remove the tension.

In afternoon, I went to a session with Leslie Davenport. I had been feeling jittery all day for unknown reasons, and Leslie help me relieve the tension. In the guided imagery, I felt myself return to mindfulness and I experienced a great sense of peace as I left her office.

Since it was too late to go home for dinner and get back to Marin General for Anna Halprin's class I invited B. F. to meet me at Pacific Cafe for dinner. After dinner, we went to the class taught by Liz Damtsey and Julie Emden. The focus of the class was different from all of the other classes, but it was definitely a refreshing change. We spent about thirty minutes talking about the pros and cons of body work in the context of our class situation, and finally, after a demonstration by out two leaders, we all agreed to give it a try. It turned out to be magnificent! I partnered with B. F., and we really connected quite well.

The massage began on the occipital part of the neck where the neck meets the head. We moved from there to massaging the scalp. Next, we placed our palms over the eyes of our partner and began massaging the face, cheeks and jaws. Next we placed our hand on the top of the chest, and just left them there for a few moments. From there, we moved to one shoulder, which we simply raised and lowered at the scapula. Then we worked on the arm by stretching it, and moving the joints of the wrists, elbows, and shoulders. After doing the other shoulder and arm, we began working on one of the legs. First we pulled the leg gently, and rotated it in the hip socket. Then we moved the foot to a standing position near the other knee. We lifted the leg at the knee and gently moved it towards the chest. After testing just how far we could go, we pressed on. Next we rotated the leg at the knee to loosen up the hip joint. We finished with the first leg by massaging the feet and then stroking the entire leg. After doing the same procedure on the second leg, we ended the session by placing our palms on the soles of the feet.

I felt that it was equally good to give as to receive. I enjoyed working with B. F., because she was really loose and trusting. This inspired me to be loose and trusting also.

We then did a quick drawing of whatever images came to us during the massage. I drew a picture of one person giving a massage to another in such a way that the giver and receiver couldn't be distinguished. They had merged and become one in the process. At this point, it is a bare sketch, and would not photograph to well for this page.

7/10/97: Getting Back to Normal

On Tuesday, I had an excellent acupuncture session with Dr. Rossman. He said that he felt my qi starting to flow like never before. I was encouraged by his remarks.

I spent the day on Wednesday at work. I'm starting to get a lot of pressure to complete certain tasks, so I've been working a lot lately.

Thankfully, I had a session with Leslie Davenport today, squeezed in between my work schedule. She is truly wonderful! She always helps me return to center!

7/11/97: Upsetting the Apple Cart

Once again, I felt a lot of pressure from work this morning, and I started about 5:15 A. M. I felt okay with this, as I anticipated a massage from Gail Teehan. My wife had it in her mind that I should cancel my massage and spend time with my daughter. She went off for the day and was so attached to this idea that she gave me no peace. No matter what, the massage was wonderful! Gail is so kind and understanding that she helped to relieve all of the tension I felt from my wife. She even gave me good advice on how to behave with her when she got home from the wine country.

Because of earlier problems, I did not go to the opening session of Psyhchotronic Healing with Patricia Frisch, Ph. D., and Ruth Scott, both long time students of Nicholi Levashov and psychic healers. Instead, my wife and I went to visit Dr. Gerald Freedman (no relation!), a friend from the Center For Attitudinal Healing who lost his beloved last Monday. We brought candles and were really very touched by the atmosphere in his house and the other visitors. The candle light added a feeling of holiness to an already sensitive environment. Gerald has written many beautiful poems and haiku in connection with his wife's illness, and has given me permission to publish them on the web site.

7/12/97: Psychotronic Healing

Having made my peace with my wife the night before, I felt comfortable attending Patricia's workshop. Patricia and Ruth seemed to capture the essence of Nicholi's teachings. Although I missed the introduction the night before, I think I fit in nicely with the energy of the group. During the early morning sharing, I spoke about my cancer and my healing. I was especially interested in Nicholi's model of infection, which incorporates genetic and environmental causes, as well as in-utero effects. I think that there is real value in this psychotronic healing, and I've been trying it out with some friends at a distance.

During the lunch break, I had a remarkable time! I walked up to Union street and had lunch in an Italian restaurant. My table was on the side walk, and I took delight in watching all the shoppers and passerby.

7/13/97: Marin Feels Healing Energy

Today was full of excitement! I began the day with two sets of doubles, which I managed to play with a remarkable degree of competence. There followed an hour bath and a brief nap. When I awoke, I had some lunch. Then I began writing and called Gerald Freedman to ask his permission to publish his poems and haiku on the web. To my surprise, he told me that I was famous! The article I had sent to the Marin Independent Journal on Monday appeared almost entirely in an article entitled, "Marin feels healing energy" on the front page of the "Lifestyles" section. I was extremely delighted to hear this news. A copy of the original paper that I submitted is on this web site as healers.htm. The editor left out some information about Feldenkrais with Gail Teehan and all that I said about Nicholi Levashov, but quote most of the rest of the article. I imagine they left out Nicholi because he is from San Francisco.

In my excitement, I phoned Anna Halprin, Gail Teehan, Barbara Rose Billings,  and Michael Broffman. Marty Rossman is on his way to Oregon with my daughter, so I'll tell him about it when I next speak with my daughter.

7/14/97: Planning the Workshop

Gail Teehan and I met today to plan or workshop on "Mindfulness and ART in Healing." We are doing a practice teaching next Wednesday. Trying to cut a two day workshop into two hours is a bit difficult!

I didn't make it to Anna Halprin's class tonight, but I had a good time with my daughter. We went for a bike ride and then out to dinner.

7/15/97: The Healer's Healer

I had four remarkable experiences today! The first was sending off my wife and my younger daughter for a day by themselves, and they didn't know where they were going or when they would be back. It turns out that they spent the night in Gualala, on the Pacific Coast.

The second thing that happened gave me the most pleasure! I went to see Gail Teehan for a Feldenkrais lesson. She began working on me and paused a few times without explanation. I asked her what was wrong, and found out that her right shoulder was hurting her and she had difficulty working. I asked her to trade places and proceeded to do a "zero balancing" treatment on her. I spent quit a bit of time with the treatment, and she was healed to the extent that she could continue working the rest of the day without a problem.

The third thing occurred during my visit to Dr. Gullion. I think he felt a little hurt that I didn't include him in my list of healers in the article, but I explained that I was just writing about "alternative" healers. So maybe I ought to write a letter to the editor to explain my lack of mention of the physicians that supported me during the Shipley protocol. He also mentioned that I was doing very well and didn't need to come back for three months!

Finally, I felt very sad at the Center for Attitudinal Healing because we lost another member. It was someone I liked a lot, and was just getting to know. Several other people were experiencing great difficulties. It was such a heavy night that the good news that I had to share lacked the spark that I wanted to offer to help healing. However, many people were very pleased with the article.

7/16/97: A Slow, Slow Day

After all the excitement of the past few days, I was bound to come to a screeching halt, and today was it! I could barely focus on work, and needed to nap shortly after lunch! Then, one of the members of my Conscious Evolution circle called me to go for a walk in Blythedale Canyon. I accepted without hesitation, and we had a nice walk together under the canopy of redwoods.

7/17/97: Renewing Friendship

Today I went to work, but I took a long lunch with V. R., one of the members of my small enneagram circle. We spoke about our lives in an open and touching way, as we usually do in our group. She and I have been friends for six years now and I really care for her and what wisdom she is able to speak.

7/20/97: Cultivating Family Value

The past few days have been filled with work, tennis, and cultivating family values. I played tennis on Friday and had my session with Gail Teehan canceled, so I continued to work on Sniffer bugs. Yesterday, I managed a nice walk with my wife, in between work and going out to dinner. Today, in addition to playing tennis, I managed to fix the Sniffer bugs, and spent a lot of time preparing for the workshop on Wednesday.

7/21/97: Rehearsal

I spent most of the day with Gail Teehan, as we had to rehearse our presentation of Mindfulness and ART in Healing for Wednesday. Our meeting was full of joy and excitement, because we felt so good about what we were planning to do. Our long range plans include forming a non-profit corporation to apply for grants to present our workshop so that cancer patients aren't burdened with the additional expense of the workshop. We also spoke about how Gail's experience with various artistic media would fit naturally into the creative aspects of the workshop.

The workshop combines mindfulness as a healing practice with guided imagery, movement, and various forms of creative activity to encourage a powerful healing energy to evolve from within. More information about this workshop will be posted to our web site shortly. The agenda we decided on for the presentation on wednesday includes the following:

1. Invocation to bind the group together
2. Check-in of all the participants
3. Guided mindfulness meditation
4. Opening to the breath exercises, maintaining mindfulness
5. A Feldenkrais awareness through movement segment done on chairs
6. If we have time, we'll have them produce some art work based on their experience of the day
7. Sharing
8. Closing

7/22/97: The End of a Phase

Today marks the end of a phase of my recovery. Tomorrow, I begin a new "career," which I have been looking forward to since my son got well. Finally, I have the courage and the opportunity to do something about educating people on how to make appropriate decisions for their medical care. There were times today that I found myself jumping up and down with excitement.

It was mostly an eventful day of work, as I solved a serious problem. In the evening, we went to the Center for Attitudinal Healing. It seems that a lot of people were jumping up and down this week! It was a wonderful meeting, and I was really happy to attend. I found myself really paying attention to the guidelines and principals, as if I never heard them before. Also, it was easy to listen to people's stories with compassion and understanding.