Yellow Stream - A Cancer Diary

Chapter 6: Treatment Begins

3/11/97: Jewish Penicillin

We arrived at the Marin Oncology center at 8:10. Here it is now 9:03 and we've just been sitting around. Naturally, they had us down for 9:00, not 8:00. So now I'm really getting restless. I'm not comfortable starting a mind story, not knowing how far I'll get or if I'll be able to even begin. I tried working on Practical Intuition, but the same considerations play. The man next to me is getting his i. v. already. I guess that he's been here before.

Last night was fairly difficult. I seemed to sleep fairly well in stages, but due to all of the hydration, I was up many times. Finally, at 3:00, I went downstairs and did a little writing. Next came a tape, and by the time it was time to wake up, I was ready to sleep.

I haven't been that preoccupied with today's treatment plan, but I still felt unable to concentrate on my breath. No one can tell what kind of response I'm going to have to the chemo, and I'm a little worried. To top it off, I have two rounds of radiation also today.

I had expected to be able to listen to guided imagery tapes, but with all the commotion going around here, I preferred to listen to the classical CD's I brought. The Beethoven Choral Fantasy brought on a lot of emotion. I also listened to Dvorak's Piano Quintet and Shubert's Trout Quintet. These pieces of music are so calming and beautiful. I use my computer as my portable CD player.

Once the 5FU and cisplatin where into my blood stream, I felt a few minor discomforts, but all in all, it wasn't too bad - just like Shipley predicted. I can probably have a decent afternoon. As soon as the cisplatin was finished, I got an urge for matzoth ball soup from Max's! When I was growing up, the was always called, "Jewish penicillin!"

I started having pains in my stomach and needed to pee again! The pains didn't last long and I continued to pee frequently. At around 1:15 P. M., an hour and a half after the cisplatin was totally in, I went down for my first radiation treatment. Although I was a little nervous, I came through it OK. Within the next half hour, we were back upstairs, getting the i. v. out and on our way home. Although I felt very tired, there were no other side effects. I was advised to take a sedative tonight to get some sleep, but now that the unknown is known, will I need it?

The second radiation treatment went really well. I was able to be relaxed and visualize the radiation helping the cancer cells to mutate back to healthy cells normal cells, or, if they choose, to self-destruct. This seemed to be really effective. The radiologist placed tattoos for the spots for focusing the beam and then explained the computerized care that I was getting.

3/12/97: Chopped Liver

The night before last I couldn't sleep because of the anxiety over the unknown effects of chemotherapy and radiation. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was waiting for side effects, which didn't come! So today, I really exhausted. I hope to get my energy up by the time we leave.

I spent the time listening to guided imagery tapes, Deepak Chopra, and surfing the news groups on the web. I had an interesting query from a reader of the news group, alt.support.cancer.

The second day of 5FU and cisplatin were similar to the first. This time I had a chopped chicken liver sandwich for lunch from Max's! It went well again, although I fell a little exhausted.

After the chemotherapy, I had another guided imagery session with Leslie Davenport. The session was interrupted by an extremely urgent need to pee. Before then, I was visualizing how the chemotherapy and radiation were helping me either revert the cancer cells back to normal cells, or at their choice, bubble up and degenerate into something that could be easily eliminated by the blood stream, urine, and feces. I got some really good images to work with in the future.

We stopped by M. C.'s house to see the girls before the fly off to Palm Springs for the weekend while I recover from my three doses of chemotherapy and four doses of radiation.

I spent a lot of time trying to fix a bug (work for money), so there's not much more to say. The fact that I feel like fixing is actually saying a lot.

3/13/97: Hair Raising Experience

Compared to yesterday, I'm not feeling as well, even though I appeared to have more sleep. I feel a little nauseous and a bit constipated. I also feel rather tired. I think I did too much work yesterday, and I continue to work even as I write this, being interrupted by break points in my code. After a while I couldn't code anymore and decided to sit back and listen to a tape of Deepak Chopra. I must of dozed off a couple of times during the tape, because before I knew it, I was finished with the cisplatin.

When I got home after the first round of radiation for the day, I could do nothing but crash. I focused in on my breath in my belly, and before I knew it, I had a nice nap, only to be awakened by having to pee. I tried to accomplish some work, but felt quite queasy.

Then it was time to go for the second radiation treatment. I felt the hair on my body rise as the radiation impacted my body. This distracted me slightly from my visualization of the cancer cells shriveling up and being properly eliminated. I really felt badly the rest of the day and into the night.

3/14/97: One Day at a Time

Things are not in motion for the first rounds of chemoradiotherapy to work. The elimination state begins and I feel fair to middling this morning. I'm going to try to do some symbolic cleaning up in my office once I get some more bugs fixed and then try to make Leslie Davenport's class.

Leslie's class was taught by an art therapist this time and we built worry dolls. My doll was named Homer and he has to worry about the next TUR revealing no cancer!

After a nice lunch, I crashed for an hour and a half.

3/16/97: Raining in California

I wasn't able to write anything yesterday. I felt really lousy. I needed a lot of rest and spent some of the day with company. I was feeling a bit nauseous all day and didn't feel too much like eating, even though my wife made smoked salmon caviar pizza! It was a day to vege out and forget about cancer. Maybe that's good to do once in a while!

3/17/97: Cancer Sucks!

During the past two days, I have noticed many instances of random tears. Most of the time, they seem to come from nowhere, but other times, I am aware of what triggered them. For example, we watched two pre-recorded episodes of Nova last night which dealt with cancer. Most of the people on the shows were in much worse shape than I, and I felt compassion for their suffering. I realized that it was also my suffering and I wanted my life back. Another example: today, my daughter's best friend's mother had a lumpectomy, and I felt badly for her. Much of the time, I simply feel the tragedy of the disease.

Other than these random acts of crying, I've had a pretty productive day. I did an adequate job at work, and although I felt nauseous most of the day, I managed to get by. Naturally, my afternoon "mind story" was quite helpful, both in calming my nausea and allowing me to relax and visualize the cancer shrinking.

3/18/97: A Walk by the Bay

Today was the best day I had so far since the chemotherapy and radiation! I spent a lot of time working today, but at noon I took a long break. I took a walk in Sausalito by the San Francisco Bay, where all the tourists come. The walk was especially nice, since I felt well enough to do it! After walking all the way from the center of town to the Chart House restaurant, I stopped at a beautiful spot near the end of the walkway that is closest to the water. There is a place there where the concrete ends and a grave path of about 25 feet begins. It has a lovely view of the Bay, Angle Island, and San Francisco. I stopped there to do some stretches and qi gong. The weather was magnificent and it really felt good to be out on my own again. Hopefully, I'll do something similar to this tomorrow!

I found myself drinking much more today, as this helps to hydrate my system and eliminate the dead cancer cells. This was the first day that I could manage this. I am now in the process of preparing my system for the next phase of chemotherapy and radiation on Tuesday, March 25. I'll keep you posted!

3/19/97: Massage and Tennis

Today was another wonderful day! I had a massage at the Marin Oncology Center from Nora O'Toole, a Certified Massage Therapist who donates her time and energy to work with patients. This is also a part of the Marin General Hospital Humanities Program, along with the guided imagery sessions I've been having with Leslie Davenport.

After the massage, I couldn't help but drive by Boyle Park to see whether I could play some tennis. I sat for a while, amazed at the empty courts, and rubbed sun block over the exposed parts of my body just in case the 5FU was still active. I was feeling so normal that when the opportunity to hit with someone came along, I took the opportunity! Man, was it fun! I found myself hitting the ball with the out breath, just as planned, but not consciously thought of. I played only for about forty-five minutes, but it felt great!

On the way home, I bought a new tennis racket to celebrate my recovery. After trying out several rackets, I settled on a Prince because it felt intuitively correct for me. This was a direct experience from my study of Practical Intuition.

Later on in the day, I received a call from Jeff Barber, a Reiki practitioner. He was given my name by a friend of ours who utilized his healing abilities for serious burns suffered by their daughter as a result of an automobile accident. They reported wonderful things about Reiki and I wanted to find out how it could help me. Since Jeff also has a home in Lake Tahoe, I wasn't able to speak with him until today. I have a feeling that the Reiki method is not to different from many of the healing techniques I use with my children.

In addition to telling me about his Zen practice and his exposure to the teachings of some wonderful Tibetan Buddhists, he told me about a medical doctor who had people write about the reasons for their illness in pencil. Specifically, he suggested writing a letter to "Dear Cancer in My Body." In the letter, you write emotionally about all the things that are bothering you about your illness, especially your anger, irritation, concerns, broken dreams and promises. You are to release all of these things thorough this writing. It should be done in pencil with your own hand writing and later burned with or without ceremony.

The theory behind this lies in the three carbon factors involved: the human body, the pencil (graphite), and the paper, which turns into carbon when burned. He as seen and heard about people walking away from all kinds of physical and emotional distress. Through the process of writing, the incident you're writing about becomes complete, and you are not holding on to it anymore either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. This transmutation of emotion that led to the illness seems to work wonders.

When writing, release all the anger, irritation, broken dreams, promises, and other negative emotions that you have ever felt, as the illness could have be caused by factors in your childhood, and taken decades to develop physically. Release all of this through the writing and burning. The process lets you come more into the present because you are not bringing any of the past into the present. Write about every hard moment in your life and release the emotional charge so that it no longer has a hold on physical body. When writing to the cancer in your body, state that you're releasing the cancer from your body and there's no place for it and there is no longer any benefit from it. State that you don't need the cancer to bring you in to the present moment. Write about anything that bugs you. Write to the fact that you are taking chemotherapy and radiation and they're not going to have effects that the body doesn't want. Remind yourself that you don't have to buy into the results of the allopathic medical doctors.

In the end, he recommended the book, Reclaiming Your Health - Breaking the Medical Myth by John Robbins, heir to the Baskin-Robbins fortune, which he gave up because he didn't believe that ice cream (as good as it is!) is good for your health!

I am definitely looking forward to meeting Jeff Barber!

3/20/97: Tennis, Cancerport, and Feldenkrais

Today was an up and down day, with the highs being much greater than the lows. In the morning, I was experiencing some of the side effects from radiation therapy resulting in diarrhea. Even so, I managed to play two set of tennis with some of my favorite players. Naturally, I had no symptoms while I was on the court!

Later in the morning, I took my wife to Cancerport with me. It was really nice to have her there and experience the people I have become attached to, simply because we share similar life circumstance. I mainly shared my experience of the chemotherapy and radiation, and that I was feeling well enough to play tennis. All three of the leaders commented on how therapeutic tennis could be and I agreed with them by stating that I'd prefer to play tennis than attend a support group. So it is likely that I'll miss Leslie Davenport's group tomorrow because I'm scheduled to play tennis at 8:30 in the morning on the first day of spring!

From Cancerport, I went to get my new racket strung and then to Gail Teehan's for a Feldenkrais lesson. It was truly amazing! She was so attuned to my body that she discovered my traditional places of where I hold tension. Not only that, but I experienced the transmission of energy through my skeletal system as she pressed and manipulated various areas. The climax was when she rolled me up to a sitting position! This was quite remarkable, as one moment I was lying on my side and the next moment I was sitting up, and the transition was made so seamlessly that I felt totally reassured, comfortable, and relaxed. I highly recommend stopping by to have a session with Gail!

When I finally got home, I picked up the mail and became stressed out even before I opened it! I had stressful items to deal with from the IRS, the State Board of Equalization, and Cigna Health Care. The stress I felt was in addition to being exhausted from all my activities. Nevertheless, I proceeded to do a mind story, and felt a little relieved. Then I realized that the best way to deal with the stressful items was simply to tackle them one at a time.

3/21/97: It's All Downhill From Here

Once again, I spent the morning playing tennis. It was very nice to play with J., V., and C. These are some of my favorite partners and we all get along so well. On the court next to us was another foursome that I often play with. D. F. and E. M. even visited me in the hospital during the second TUR. I felt comfortable and excited to have the opportunity to play again.

C. was having a tough time getting into her game. She had not been playing much lately, because of work obligations, so her game was a little off. I coached her to remain anchored in her body and focus on her belly breath. From then on, her game improved. Nevertheless, we all had a marvelous time!

I had a conversation with my son in which he told me about two productions that he could play in. One is a Victor Herbert production of Naughty Marietta. The other is The Barber of Seville, with the same production company that produced La Boheme. He was telling me that the lead role in The Barber of Seville may be to difficult for him and maybe he should settle for a more limited role. He seems to be quite confused about this matter. So, being a good dad, I expressed to him how I thought that the people who succeed in the entertainment business really stretch themselves and go for the top productions that they can get in to. He is taking my advice under consideration.

In the afternoon I had the best guided imagery session that I ever had with Leslie Davenport! After talking a while about the details of my recovery, I decided to simply see what came up for me in the session, rather than have a planned agenda. The session was so incredible that I decided to incorporate a large portion of it in the transcript of the session. It really speaks for itself, and I invite you to explore it!

3/22/97: Visiting J. B.

The first thing I did this morning was to fire off an email message to John Gray. Hopefully, he'll write back or phone me. His daughter will be in middle school with mine next year!

I spent a large part of the morning and early afternoon working on the Sniffer and making copies of video tapes. I have mentioned that I had viewed two Nova episodes that we recorded some time last week, and a lady at Cancerport on Thursday wanted to see them. I also made several copies of the In Search of ... Faith Healing that my son appeared on to distribute to the various cancer support libraries around the county. My son will convert segment about him to a Quicktime movie and I'll post it on this web site as soon as it becomes available.

One of the nicest things to happen today was my visit with J. B. She had surgery last Monday and is doing fine. However, a friend of hers is having difficulty with lung cancer and J, feels that she would benefit from guided imagery. I offered to train her and J. thought this would really work out fine for her friend financially. So, we'll see what happens when I relaunch my career as a guided imagery teacher! J. also gave me updated wallet photos of Meher Baba, who originated the affirmation, "Don't worry, be happy!" I have carried one of these cards in my wallet for the last twenty-five to thirty years. Her husband make annual journeys to India to visit his ashram.

3/23/97: Lunch at Mikayla's

After a couple of hours of tennis with the guys at Edgwood Park, I had lunch at Mikayla's with J. M., his daughter and C. H. C. H. is an author, lecturer, and business consultant. He is also on the Board of Directors for Future Medicine. He told J. and I about magnetic field therapy, which we plan to look into in greater detail. Apparently, there are two choices for this therapy: travel to the Dominican Republic, pay $20,000 for a guaranteed cure. The other is to meet a man from Utah somewhere in Canada or Mexico and pay only his expenses to have a similar treatment. I'll keep you posted when I find out more information.

C. also advised me to keep the book simple and not give too much advice! In conjunction with this, he mentioned the following items:

1. Take 1 TBS. of fresh flax seed oil per 100 pounds of body weight with sulpherated proteins obtainable from yogurt, milk, and certain vegetables. This method is espoused by Dr. Johanna Budwig. Also, Dr. Mary Enig in this country speaks about the same thing.
2. For people of Northern European descent need to take gamma-lineolic acid 2000 mg twice a day. This can be found in evening primrose oil.
3. There is some new research on rice bran to hit the wires soon!

3/24/97: Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves

I passed up an opportunity to play tennis today because I didn't want to be too exhausted for my chemotherapy and radiation therapy tomorrow. We still need a fourth and I wasn't about to play singles. So I spent most of the day working except for a two hour break to visit on of the members of Cacerport who hadn't be showing up and who sent her husband as an emissary. The visit was something I felt I could do for the lady and I also wanted her to know about Aloe Vera and Cesium Chloride treatments.

Speaking of cesium chloride, I had a rather long conversation with Michael Broffman about the meeting with C. H. and especially about the strategy for what we were going to do after Thursday. Cesium chloride seems like a good possibility.

At night, I went to Anna Halprin's class only to find that she wasn't there. The class was taught very capably by two of her students, and I felt tremendous joy as I shared my experience with Leslie Davenport on Friday. I felt totally loved and supported. I danced and drew the experience. In the drawing, I wrote,

Lying still,
Breathing in, Breathing out,
Healthy cells grow all by themselves!
I am free of cancer!

3/25/97: More Chemotherapy, More Radiation

The second round of chemotherapy and radiation therapy began today. Aside from being a little late, it went quite smoothly. I especially enjoyed the visits of K. S. and Leslie Davenport. I spoke to Leslie about working with her doing guided imagery through the Humanities Program and Marin General Hospital. She suggested that I offer my services over the web. Watch for an new topic on services!

D. B. took me to my second radiotherapy of the day. We had a nice conversation about our common interests and she bought me a book by Sylvia Boorstein, That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist. I'm looking forward to reading it! As you probably know by now, I am a living example of a Jubu - a Jewish born Buddhist (I'm jewish on my parent's side -:).

3/26/97: Bagel and Lox Cream Cheese Spread

My mother would have been 81 today had she not died of an osteosarcoma almost ten years ago. I have been thinking about all the cancer in our family, and it is really outrageous. Something must be going on here that we have no control over.

Today's treatment went more quickly than yesterday's, and lunch was great! All I needed to feel quite good by 6:00 PM was a guided imagery tape of Leslie Davenport and a short nap. My wife and the kids have been very supportive, and I expect to fly through these days quite well.

While the cisplatin was being infused I had another massage with Nora. Because of the IV, and the time limitations, all she had time to do were my shoulders and neck, but it felt good.

In the meantime, I worked on the professional services web page.

I have decided to photograph the drawings I've done at Anna Halprin's classes. One of them was linked into the day before yesterday.

3/27/97: The Last Day of Treatment

Today's treatment was the most difficult for me of all. I was tired from the very beginning and thank God I had good tapes to listen to to drown out the ambient noise in the room. A. M. and R. M. came to visit me at the oncology center, and they brought cheerfulness and smart conversation with them.

I came home and went right to sleep (after checking email)! I used Leslie Davenport's tape and it worked quite well. T. R. is picking me up in a few minutes for the last of the radiation treatments.

I started reading That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist last night and fired off an email to her. I'm looking forward to what she has to say, and I'd even like to have a session with her.

I also fired off an email message to the Zero Balancing page, and it was forwarded to Fritz Smith. I already heard from Fritz and he had a lot of nice things to say!

So now that I've done all of this writing, I feeling a little better. Each time I get low on energy, I have to resort to "breathing in I'm healing myself, breathing out I'm clear of cancer," or, more shortly, in the spirit of Thich Nhat Hanh, "healing... clear... healing... clear... "