Yellow Stream - A Cancer Diary

Chapter 7: Waiting for a Complete Response

3/28/97: "Waiting is ... Grocking in Fullness"

Today we being the long wait for the results of the induction chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Frankly, I am quite pleased with the results so far, and I am thankful for possibly adequate time to build up my immune system so as to eliminate all cancer cells, displasia, and atypia. Using Broffman's protocol and other supplemental and conjunctive approaches, I plan to be free of cancer five weeks from now when I have my TUR.

In case you have forgotten the above quote is from Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land, which is wonderful entertaining reading while your recovering from any illness.

This morning I had another wonderful guided imagery session with Leslie Davenport. The focus of the session was on what guidance I need to make it through this period of waiting. Most of what came up was being in the present with my breathing ("breathing in, I'm healing myself, breathing out, I'm clear of cancer"). The other part of it seemed to come from my past experience with my son. My friend B. C. and I performed certain magical rituals that I think had an affect on his health. I'm now on the look out for such magical thinking. At the group session which followed my guided imagery, this concept came out in a drawing I made of a healing spot in the Ozark Mountains in Arkansas. Perhaps tuning into that healing spot well enough will do the trick, but I certainly want to do some more exploring.

I came home to nap and then had a visit with A Ce Diamond. I plan to do a web page for his non-invasive form of Body Sculpture. Stay tuned!

3/30/97: Easter Sunday

I wasn't able to write anything yesterday because I was feeling quite badly. I felt like sleeping most of the day, which I did, even though D. and S. came from Arizona. They'll be here next weekend, though, and I will be better by then. I'm already better today, but the raw feeling inside my body persists. I still feel a lot like sleeping. Perhaps this is quite a normal response to 5FU and cis-platin. I haven't had too much nausea, and it has been quite controlled with atavan.

About the best thing that I can recall about yesterday is that I was able to return to my belly breath quite frequently, in spite of feeling awful. I still remembered, "breathing in I'm healing myself, breathing out, I'm clear of cancer" or simply, "healing... clear", with each breath. This practice removes me from the remorse of having cancer and controls my discursive thinking quite a bit.

We had a pot luck at our house today. Our best friends showed up with the best food! I was still feeling like my insides were raw, so I tried to soothe my insides with Aloe Vera and Rescue Remedy. They worked a little, but not 100%. I was nervous about the Aloe Vera that was bought because of its potency and purity. I'm still wondering if T-Up is worth buying.

3/31/97: Off to Florida

My oldest daughter is off to Florida today with her best friend and her best friend's mother. My youngest has plans for the whole week. Just after she left, J. W., from my enneagram group was in Sausalito and stopped by to see me. We spent quite a long time together, reviewing each other's cancer treatments. She's reached to turning point in her cure and was very encouraging about my current status.

Unfortunately, the rawness inside my body continued to haunt me most of the day, but I tried to take a short walk and spend a few minutes in the sun with Itzzy. He was comforting and of great help when I needed to be taken to bed. We had a few quality moments of time together, as I could tell he was concerned.

Anna Halprin's class was again taught by her students. It was another great class, and my drawing was a "magic circle." I barely had enough energy to move, however.

4/1/97: My First Reiki!

To my surprise, Anne Pera, R. N., the massage therapist at Marin Radiation Oncology was a Reiki healer, as well. So I opted for a Reiki session which lasted about thirty-five minutes. I had planned to take a short walk after the healing, but I needed to lie down instead. The Reiki session seemed to realign my energy field, especially around my knees and bladder. Anne felt more inclined to work on my back side for she was able to feel the energy more cleanly.

My meditation has taken a slightly new twist today. It has transformed to, "Breathing in, I'm healing myself. Breathing out, I'm free of cancer," or "healing... free!"

I was able to solve my bug this morning! Now I'm off on another one!

4/2/97: Gratitude

I spent most of the day today at NGC. The first person I saw when I arrived was my first boss and now Vice President of the whole Tools division, M. H. We spoke for about fifteen minutes, in which I explained my condition, and he congratulated me on the good bug fixing I had been doing. Then I felt motivated to express my gratitude for all the company has done for me since I became ill. I mentioned my boss and G. G., the chief technical officer. M. H. responded with such respect and grace that I was deeply moved. I am blessed to be working for such a forward looking company - one who takes pride in their employees, no matter what their physical condition.

I had lunch with my boss, and treated him for his kindness and generosity. I met with several other employees that I work with and by 3:00, I was so exhausted that I needed to leave. On the way home and on the way there, I listened to tapes by Thich Nhat Hanh.

At night, we went to a free preview of the movie, The Saint. It was fun, but a little much for one day yet.

4/3/97: Healing Support

Today I went to Cancerport again. The group was once again quite small, so just about everyone got a chance to speak. People asked how I was doing, and I had a long opportunity to explain what was going on with me. Basically, I told them that I had not recovered as quickly from the second chemotherapy and radiation as the first, but mentally and emotionally I was doing quite well. I still have difficult periods with my elimination and a lot of tiredness. I explained how my meditation and imagery work kept my mind focused in my body and away from morbid thoughts. I explained how radical cystectomy was the standard of treatment and that I had decided to take charge of my own case by doing the Shipley method and just how that worked. I told them how I used the web to find out information about my disease and as a means of tracking my healing progress.

Someone then asked me about how I felt about having cancer. I proceed to explain that my father had bladder cancer and died at the age of eighty-six from it, but that he had had a tumor in his bladder for perhaps twenty years. I told them about my son's metastatic Wilm's tumor, and that it was another form of urinary track cancer. Then I explained my sister's death due to Leukemia twenty-eight years ago and my mother's osteosarcoma. Finally, I mentioned that all my aunts and uncles died from cancer. Thus I felt that I had a genetic disposition towards getting cancer and that the stress brought about by the loss of my job two and one-half years ago probably brought it on.

The discussion turned more towards the alternative treatments that I am using and I spoke about specifically about Michael Broffman and Marty Rossman as partners in my care with the Marin Cancer Institute. I tried to explain that one did not have to believe in meditation or imagery for them to work, even though several people insisted that some level of belief was necessary. So I explained that just a people go to work out at the gym to keep their physical bodies in good shape, they could learn to quiet their mind with a little practice. Wonderfully enough, other people with imagery and/or meditation experience backed up my mini-lesson on meditation, and I felt safe enough to share the insight about "healthy cells grow all by themselves."

From there, I went to Gail Teehan for another Functional Integration session. It was tremendously healing, once again, and Gail and I shared a lot with each other about our lives and our personal growth. I love working with her because she's so understanding and has such great hands. I bet she gives a hell of a massage!

Tonight I was supposed to meet my wife at M. C.'s house for dinner and a movie, but I really don't feel up to going out again. I think yesterday was too much for me and I still exhausted from the long drive to Menlo Park.

Well, "enough for today," as Bhagwan used to say!

4/4/97: Following the "Yellow Stream!"

Last night was quite difficult for me. I felt really exhausted and didn't like what was going on in my body. I prepared a modest meal and got in bed to read more of That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist. I enjoy it thoroughly, but the chapter on the holocaust moved me to tears and longing. I felt rejected by god and Jews as a child, but something is still trying to make itself felt in the way of devotional practice. I can't wait until my conversation with Sylvia Boorstein on April 15! One other thing about the book: If you take a combination of traits from my siblings, including myself, you get something that resembles the life of Sylvia and her family. David is orthodox and lives in St. Louis and is a grandpa. Joe is orthodox and lives in Israel with his family. Brenda is a drama therapist, and Manny is the owner of Art and Science of Computer Imaging - a very creative outlook!

My wife went with me to Leslie Davenport's cancer group. Many of the people in attendance were also at Cancerport the day before. During the meditation, I was filled with images of Hebrew school and the Miriam Hebrew Academy, which I hated so much. But I did remember and continue to reflect on one moment one fine day in April or May of 1946 or 1947 when I was filled with and experience of awe and wonder that has been with me all my life. I believe that this might have been my first transcendental experience, in which I became fully aware of the sun, the sky, the back yard of the academy, all of the other boys and girls playing their little games, the grass, and the brick garage with its attached brick ash pit. This moment was special for me, and I knew then that I was different from all the other boys and girls. I had no friends and played alone. At that point in my life I didn't know rejection, but I did feel left out. I used to sit in class and day dream about this and that, but never a clear image. I drew a picture of the garage and the ash pit and a boy playing ball.

In the afternoon, I went to a Feldenkrais session with Alan Sheets. Alan and I had worked together on an article which appeared in Enneagram Monthly on The Enneagram of the Body, which is Alan's method of teaching the enneagram. We had a really nice connection while we were working on the article and he express his gratitude for how much he appreciated my work.

Before the session, Alan asked me what I wanted to work on. I explained to him the importance of reality anchoring in the body, especially when you are ill, and that this is what I wanted to continue to work on. I told him about the weakness of my knees, lower back, and shoulders, and that this is what I wanted him to work on. For this session, Alan chose to work on my knees and lower back. I could feel the subtle movements as he proceeded to heal my body. The session was magnificent, but I really felt exhausted afterwards. One of the nicest moments came near the end when I could feel the energy flow from the bottoms of my feet where Alan was working all the way up to my skull. I believe that this has the wonderful effect of aiding lymphatic return and circulation.

Reality anchoring in the body is one of the foundations of the Abhidhamma, or Buddhist psychology. The principle is that out of all of our experience, what goes on in our bodies is of prime importance and it is what we share in common. It is based on the idea that we share reality from this common ground of being. We don't easily share thoughts, feeling, or emotions, but we all know what it is like to overeat, cut our fingers, burn our hands, or have a good night's sleep. Reality anchoring in the body provides us with a reality check on our condition. When we have a strong sense of reality anchoring in the body, we can proceed to manage our health care in a realistic way, without denial or fear.

4/5/97: I Love the Sounds of Spring

I woke up this morning and began my morning meditation, during which this poem came to me:

5:30 AM. The Sun rises across the Bay.
The birds sing in the trees.
I lie in my bed, breathing in, breathing out.
I love the sounds of spring!

Today promises to be one with many visitors! D. and S. G. spent last night with us and planned to be with us most of the day. K. S. came with her two kids. We had a great lunch at Kitti's place, which seems to be our home away from home these days. Kitti was the chief chef at Comforts in San Anselmo. It seems that Comforts sold out about six months after Kitti opened his own place.

Later in the day, V. R. came with a friend of hers. V. is in my enneagram group and we have a deep affection for each other. She was so loving and compassionate that I hated to see her leave.

We went to A. and M. M.'s  for dinner, but I really started to get exhausted after walking a lot of steps up into their house on Lombard street.

4/6/97: A Mini Enneagram Lesson

My oldest daughter is returned from Miami today only three hours late!  It's been six days since I've seen her, and by her silence I know that she is save and having the time of her life.

I was supposed to have a massage this morning, but it got cancel led because of the birth of a new baby instead! Oh well! So instead, I thought I'd tell you what I've been thinking about lately according to the enneagram.

The enneagram is a diagram that describes nine personality types shown in the diagram to the left. Each personality type has associated with it a vice and a virtue. In my case, since I'm a trooper, my vice is fear and my virtue is courage! This whole cancer issue for me has been a question of courage to face and accept my condition and find the necessary faith to take charge of my own treatment plan. By learning your enneagram point, you can discover what your vice and virtue are, and manage your case with the appropriate actions for your personality type. For more information, please see my enneagram pages.
I received another email from R. M., a 59 year old man in New Zealand who has bladder cancer and doesn't want radical cystectomy either. We have been corresponding for more than a month, and the message I received today was quite special. He shared with me that he too had been a follower of Rajneesh, and offered many of Bhagwan's meditations too me. I wrote back that I was called Swami Deva Ninad by Rajneesh in 1975 and knew all about the meditations. I'm waiting to hear back from him!

4/7/97: Seeds of Enlightenment

This morning, I managed to get in about forty-five minutes of tennis! It was difficult to manage my energy, but I'm feeling stronger every day.

By the time I went to Anna Halprin's class, however, my gut was churning and my energy was quite low. Fortunately, we spent a lot of time during check-in because there were several new people there, including J. B., the mother of my daughter's best friend.

The movement segment began with sitting in or chairs and doing deep breathing exercises. I gradually picked up to where we were supporting our faces with our hands and keeping our hands in touch with our bodies. At a certain point, I felt the desire to do a modified form Zen prostrations as an expression of gratitude. I continued moving about on the floor for quite a while, returning to the prostrated position quite frequently. Then the movement picked up all over the room and my energy began to accelerate. Mostly, I was dancing alone, but there were quite wonderful encounters with other dancers, and soon, most of the group was dancing together. I spontaneously moved into the third stage of the "chaotic meditation" that I learned at the Ashram from Rajneesh. This is the stage where "With raised arms, jump up and down shouting the mantra HOO!...HOO!...HOO! as deeply as possible, coming from the bottom of your belly." Most of the people joined my in this movement, and I was filled with images of the Ashram and Bhagwan.

After the movement segment settled down with a group circle, we did our drawings. I wanted to draw a group of people dancing together at the Ashram in Poona, but I knew that I lacked the artistic talents to make it happen, so I just started drawing orange faces, which transformed into six vibrant flowers with roots in the earth and healthy leaves on the stalks - all reminding me of "healthy cells growing all by themselves." On top of each flower, I wrote the name of one of my major teachers along my path.

The first flower was dedicated to Father Eli, from whom I learned the trance work that forms the foundation for guided imagery well enough to teach it to over two hundred people since 1973. He told me that he had taught both Jose Silva of Silva Mind Control, which I had learned in 1971, and L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, which I studied between 1968 and 1971.

The second flower was dedicated to Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, also known as Osho. I spent the summer of 1975 in Poona and was given the name, Swami Deva Ninad. I have collected more then four hundred tapes and twenty-five books of his lectures.

The third and fourth flowers were dedicated to the Buddha and Thich Nhat Hanh, respectively. Since 1985, I have been devoted to Buddhism in general and Zen and Vipassana meditation in particular. I love the way Thay has interpreted the sutra on Mindfulness of Breathing. My own meditation is totally inspired by him.

The fifth flower was dedicated to Gabrielle Roth, a former student of Anna Halprin, and an internationally know shaman. I studied with her in 1975 - 1976, as we shared a common interest in Bhagwan and the enneagram. I was scheduled to assist her at a workshop at Eselan in June of 1996, but on that very day, my son went into the hospital for his Wilm's tumor surgery. What a shock it was for me to have to change my plans and spend the time in the hospital instead. Gabrielle harnessed the energy of her workshop at Eselan and all of her remaining workshops that year to perform healing circles for my son. I have been devoted to her since then and have felt a great sense of gratitude.

The last flower, I dedicated to myself, as I am now my own guru. I am learning a lot every day from my illness and my efforts to keep my mind focused on healing. Naturally, I look to the other teachers for inspiration, but most things are coming from deep inside myself.

As a result of the drawing, my meditation has changed slightly, once again. It now goes, "Breathing in I heal, breathing out I'm free," or simply, "heal... free."

4/8/97: Two-Pointedness!

Today I went in for a check-up with Dr. Gullion, and saw Dr. Bobbie Head instead. My blood counts were good and there is no need to worry about infection. I asked about a more complete exam, but I was told that this was only to check the blood counts.

I had a second massage at the Cancer Institute with Anne Pera. This time she did a "Metamorphosis" on my feet, hands, skull and back. She has such a light healing touch that I can recommend her highly. She's really present when she work on you and you can feel the healing energy in her hands.

My session with Leslie Davenport turned out to be quite magnificent! I spent about one half hour simply describing the state of my healing. I told her about the work with Anna Halprin, the Feldenkrais work, my contact with R. M. in New Zealand, and my "seeds of enlightenment," which seemed to thrill her quite a bit. I talked about That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist, and some feelings about my family of origin and childhood experiences. I expressed how I felt rejected as a child by my family, school mates, the kids at Hebrew school and Sunday school, and by God. I explored these feelings without regret, but with a sense of longing. These feelings were overwhelmed by my new sense of love for myself and the work I am doing to heal.

In the guided imagery portion, Leslie began with these inspiring words:

"As we begin, just notice where you are as we start... where your attention seems to be clustered... And to engage with the knowledge that you have the freedom and the power to focus your awareness... And feel how each breath, each moment has never been lived before, has never been breathed before... acknowledging the newness... the presence of each part of the breath... each moment of the breath... And to begin to also sense that balance between your focusing of attention and the receptivity... the active, the receptive, of any guidance that may come through at any point... And staying a little longer with the breath and feel how the in breath carries strength into your body, clarity into you mind, stability into your emotions... connectedness to that deep sense of yourself... And how the out breath by its very nature has that cleansing, clearing, letting go qualities... And allowing yourself to begin to tune into your body with the fresh eyes and the fresh sensing that arise out of this moment... And to go ahead and allow your focus to go right into the place in your body most in need of healing... And just to allow images to form which may be familiar or new..."

4/9/97: Everyday I Get Better and Better!

Today is the first day I didn't feel the need to nap. This is possibly because I took a walk by the Bay in Sausalito. I found my favorite spot to sit for fifteen minutes doing my "healing... free" meditation. It was very pleasant and the time went by very fast. There were times while I was meditating that I felt tired, but they passed, just like all my passing thoughts. The experience of impermanence was brought home again by the changing thoughts and feelings of being tired. I then did the strengthening exercises at the same location as my sitting meditation, and felt quite strong.